Banjo Threeie: The Final Chuckle
by JH Sounds
Summary: Kazooie, Bottles, Mumbo Jumbo and other familiar characters confront a transformed Grunty and the Rival Fleet. Also includes side story featuring STOP 'N SWOP.
1. The Return

CHAPTER ONE: The Return.

"That's kinda creepy," said the Jinjo, staring up at the head.

Peace reigned in the quaint town of Jinjo Village. Half a decade ago, an evil witch named Grunty and her sisters had broken the peace of the village, but a fantastic duo had kept the sportsmanship and livelihood of the place intact. Shortly after Grunty's defeat, tales of Banjo and Kazooie defeating the mischief-maker would be told almost religiously every night from then on. Grunty would become the symbol for the destruction of good.

The two young Jinjos looked up at Grunty's decapitated head. "What happened to her body?" one of them wondered.

"Don't you know?" asked the other. "She was blasted to bits when one of her spells was bounced back by the King."

"Bounced back?" said the first Jinjo. "I thought she dropped the spell."

"Oh, come on. How can someone be stupid enough to drop their own spell?"

"Yeah, you must be right."

Yes, five years have passed, and Grunty's head was perched on a pole outside Jingaling's Throne Room, in the center of the village. The witch begins her plan to get revenge. Carefully, she removes her remaining left eye as it rolls down the path. The two fail to notice the dried-out eye as it bounces down the grass, travelling to its destination.

------

Elsewhere, Banjo, Kazooie, Tooty, and Brentilda are high in the stands watching the Jinjo kickball semifinals against the moles. 

"Go, Squinty!" Shouts Banjo as they watch Bottles' nephew run up the field. "You can do it! Guh-Huh!"

"Where's Bottles?" asks Kazooie. She peers down at the bench. "Ol' Thick Eyes flushing his coolants?"

"Kazooie!"

Down at the locker room, Bottles is tending to Goggles' wounded knee.

"Stay still boy," he says, "It's just a little rubbing alcohol."

"But it hurts!" says the young mole, "OWWWWWW!"

Little did they notice the movement of an eye rolling passed them.

Back at the stands, Banjo is being pelted by Jinjos, at his love for the Moles.

"Hey!" says Banjo, "stop it! I saved you all in the last two games...!"

"Not by yourself you didn't!" says Kazooie, and begins to chuck several McJiggy Big Micks at Banjo. "Breeeeee!"

Banjo throws his backpack over him in order to shield himself, and it is then that he is zapped by an overhead light fixture.

"DOH!!!!!!" he yells, and falls down the stands onto the field. Several Jinjo fans kick him repeatedly.

"BANJO!" cries Kazooie half seriously. She begins to giggle uncontrollably, but soon grasps the seriousness of the situation. "I've got to save that poor bear..." She glides down the field.

Just then, a huge spark rips through the bleachers toward Kazooie. Several onlookers scream and trample each other to avoid the blast. Kazooie turns to the crowd as the surge of electricity quickly crawls over to her.

"AHH! AHH!" Kazooie cries as she meets certain doom.

Kazooie Flip Flaps just in time to avoid the blast, but the Spark Without a Cause still reaches its intended target with little problems -- Banjo.

Banjo wails as the backpack that had concealed him expands, twists and erupts into a humongous ball of fire!

All the Jinjos become silent. The stadium becomes filled with murmur as they see the splattered remains of their lost bear.

Kazooie snatches a bit of fur and blue cloth, and runs to the locker room.

"Bottles! Bottles!" shouts the Breegull as she approaches the friendly mole. "Banjo is Dead!"

Outside, the Jinjos and Moles argue over whose fault it was.

"Hey, you kicked him!"

"No I didn't!"

"Yeah, you did. I saw you!"

Suddenly the screeching hiss of microphone feedback fills the air. The groans and screaming from the crowd could be heard for miles.

But it is then that a very, VERY familiar piercing cackle could be heard throughout the stadium. The Big O' Vision video screen installed high above the stadium dims and brightens very quickly, and the most recognizable face in all of Jinjo Village appears.

"Hello my pretties!" says Klungo, or at least it looked like Klungo at first glance. For at closer examination, it could be seen that it was Gruntilda Winkybunion's face on Klungo's body.

"You may call me... KLUNTILDA!"

The crowds couldn't believe what they were seeing.

"You see, my little traitor helped me perform a re-capitation spell. He was too dumb to think that I'd use his body for my return to power! HA! HA! HA!"

One could see Klunty pushing several buttons out of view. "And now you will all be my slaves, including Banjo and Kazooie!"

The cackles could be heard all the way out of the Isle O' Hags.


	2. The Announcement

CHAPTER TWO: The Announcement.  
  
Far away, at Klunty's Old Lair, Cheato could be seen napping away near the boulder that gave way to Mumbo's Mountain. The area had been kept well after all those years, and given the low humidity and cool temperature, Cheato was still in good condition and would never leave, even after hearing that the witch whom had ripped him up was destroyed.  
  
Poke, poke, poke. His close friends who knew him since B-K had nudged Cheato awake.  
  
"...Hunh?" says the spellbook. "Waking up is Cheato..." So he does, and to his surprise appeared the Blue Egg, Yellow Egg, and Ice Key.  
  
"Hey, ol' pal!" they said together. "We need your help. Our friend Purple is gone! We need to find him."  
  
"Wondering is Cheato what can do to help," said he.  
  
"First of all," said Key, "We need to find Wumba's Book of Spells."  
  
"Yeah, and we have to get Mingella's Book," said Yellow.  
  
"Then what? I ask." spoke Cheato.  
  
"We combine the power of the books and repair the Old Lair!" said Blue. "That's the only way we can get past those boulders that are packed in over there, and save our friend Purple that's stuck in Mumbo's Mountain."  
  
Cheato spoke for a moment to himself, though a little, then spoke, "Leave the caves Cheato does not want to."  
  
The secret items huddled and chatted briefly before looking up again. "No, you can stay here if you want to..." they said.  
  
"Ok. Good idea, Cheato thinks," he said.  
  
So off the secret items went to help rescue the Purple Egg.  
  
Meanwhile, at the kickball stadium, and more specifically, the locker room, Kazooie, Bottles and Goggles huddled around the clump of fur and piece of backpack.  
  
"Oh my," said Bottles, "is Banjo really gone?"  
  
"It appears that way, binoculars!" uttered the Breegull. "Who could have sent that blast toward us?" She scratched her head and several feathers molted off. "It's that time of the month...!"  
  
Bottles examined the singed brown fluff. "It doesn't look like one of Grunty's spells. I should know."  
  
"What does Grunty have to do with it?" said Kazooie. "We already killed her...twice!"  
  
"What's happening, Daddy?" asked worried little Goggles. "Is something wrong with Banjo?"  
  
"Don't worry son, everything will be fine..." spoke Bottles.  
  
"Yeah," said Kazooie, "as soon as we find out who destroyed Banjo, and--"  
  
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" wailed Goggles.  
  
"Kazooie!"  
  
Thousands upon thousands of mindless drones filled the stadium. Hundreds of Mole and Jinjo families from all across the globe were now under the full control of Kluntilda Winkybunion.  
  
Looking down from the huge video screen from her monitor, she spoke: "Finally, after all these years... I'M BACK! And now I have the force needed to wreak havoc on the Rival Fleet! Now to bring Banjo and Kazooie to me, to be my servants!"  
  
She willed them to come up to the booth she stood in.  
  
Nothing happened.  
  
"Hey, where are they???" She looked down at the crowd. "They're not here!!! I was told they were going to watch the game!" She peered closer into the field, and at Banjo's charred remains.  
  
"Who DID that?"  
  
Suddenly, a titanic vessel crept over the stadium, covering it with shadow. It's attached jet struts propelled it over to the Big O' Vision as it hovered over the crowds. The corroded ship continuously shed red flakes from it's hull as it floated there, making it look like a bleeding fingertip as the sign on it's back glistened: THE RUSTY BUCKET.  
  
"HAR, HAR, HAR!" spoke from deep inside it's bowels. "Well Grunty, glad to see yer still keeping yer appearance as fresh as ever!"  
  
"Who--?" said the very startled witch. "It's Klunty now, bonehead!"  
  
The Rusty Bucket seemed to be staring back as she said this, as it was in a very ominous position.  
  
Finally, a hatch opened up, revealing the very person who would steal Klunty's spotlight: Captain Blackeye. 


	3. The Rival Fleet

CHAPTER THREE: The Rival Fleet.  
  
"Arrrrrrgh!" spoke the intrepid seaman. "Finally got ridda the punk who stole my glory!"  
  
"...Glory?" said the witch, "what glory?"  
  
"The glory o'being in my own game, o'course!" said Blackeye. "If it weren't fer that blasted bear, I'd be having a bit of dreamy kid on my boot, I'd be."  
  
Klunty scratched her morgified head. "So why didn't you get him before?" she asked.  
  
"What are ye, daft?" he said. "I had me a terrible seasickness, I did. Nausea, searing gas pain..."  
  
"For five years? A fine captain you are!" said Klunty.  
  
Blackeye paid no mind. "Now that I got me a ship again, it's time to reassemble the Rival Fleet!"  
  
"Oh yes, that. Well good luck finding the crew members..." she said passively.  
  
"I be needin' no luck gettin' my Fleet back together! I've already gotten back the yella bellies!" It was when he said this that several crewmembers climbed up onto the deck.  
  
"This here's Jacob, and here's Flotsam, and lets not ferget the most cowardly crew man... Blubber!"  
  
Klunty peered closer. "Isn't that Captain Blubber?" she said.  
  
"Captain? HAR! HAR! HAR!" said Blackeye. "Blubber was ne'er a captain. Simply snatched the hat from a dead Captain when the Salty Hippo crashed into the cove!"  
  
"From the attack of 1998! I remember now..." said Klunty. "He stole the gold, then skiddadled to buy a Jet Ski..."  
  
"Sorry," said Blubber amidst belches.  
  
"Enough chit chat, lass -- if I kin even call ye that anymore," said the Dark Captain, staring at Klunty's horrible image. "You know what I came over here for, and you know I'll be coming back for ye, when I collect the others..."  
  
It was then that the Rusty Bucket warmed up it's engines and jetted off into the unknown.  
  
Klunty groaned furiously. Shrugging off the appearance of her greatest adversary, she continued her dastardly plan. The witch willed her immense brainwashed army to do her bidding.  
  
"Go!" said Klunty, "beat the bird!!!"  
  
Deep inside the locker room, Bottles had been trying to calm his son down, while Kazooie looked on.  
  
"Now, now!" said Bottles in a stern voice. "Banjo is going to be fine!" The mole grabbed the boy's shoulders.  
  
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" wailed Goggles. "He's GOOOOOOONE!"  
  
"Calm down now thick eyes!" said the smarmy Breegull, Banjo should be fine! Why else would they call this Banjo-Threeie?" She looked back at the door. "Hey, we should go back to the site of the accident and--"  
  
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"  
  
Bottles stared at the bird. "You know, you're not really helping here... why don't you go yourself?"  
  
"All right then, Amaze O' Gaze," she said and walked up to the exit.  
  
BAAAAAAAAAMMMM. A huge pounding could be heard from the other side of the door.  
  
"What--?" said Kazooie as the pounding and banging grew louder. Shouts and screaming could be heard outside, of angry Jinjos and Moles.  
  
"They must really hate Banjo..." said the bird, unaware that the crowd was under Klunty's command. "We'd better find another way out of here..." 


	4. How Do Rhino?

CHAPTER FOUR: How do Rhino?  
  
"Is there a back door to this place?" asked Kazooie.  
  
Bottles rushed over to help hold back the door with the bird. "Er, no. Last time I checked..." He nervously adjusted his glasses, as they were slipping off while the mindless crowd continued to try to knock the door down.  
  
The breegull thought for a moment. "Let's prop something up onto this door." Her talons were slipping against the floor.  
  
"Okay, but then what?" asked the mole.  
  
"First things first," said Kazooie, and with the help of little Goggles, rushed to get a locker up against the only exit.  
  
Both the bird and moles sighed deeply. "Now what?" asked the thick eyed Bottles. "Were trapped in here?"  
  
"Bottles, Bottles, Bottles," spoke the feathered one, "Think. You're a mole, and moles..."  
  
"...What?" said the mole, scratching his head instinctively.  
  
"What do moles DO, Bottles?" spoke Kazooie with an obvious tone.  
  
"Er, take care of their little ones, dig--"  
  
"YES! Give the man a dollar!" shouted the bird.  
  
"Oh..." said Bottles and began to dig their way out. Goggles also helped, as it took his mind off Banjo's apparent death. They started first with the breegull's Rat a Tat Tap to brake through the cement of the wall, and the moles did the rest. Eventually, they saw light at the end of the burrow. "Just a little further..." grunted Kazooie and finally they broke through.  
  
They were in the kitchen.  
  
"I told you we should have dug to the left," muttered Kazooie, staring crossly at Bottles.  
  
All three looked around. "There still might be a way out from here, "said the mole.  
  
"Of course, you giant rat!" said the bird, "How do you expect the food to be delivered here?"  
  
"Yeah, the snacks don't magically appear," said Big Al.  
  
Big Al?  
  
All three whipped their heads toward the voice.  
  
"What are you doing here?" asked Kazooie. "The last time I saw your tusky face, you were selling me those, er, unpleasant burgers."  
  
"Well," said the rhino, "I quit the job when I realized you were the only one I sold 'em to." He then sneezed heartily without covering his mouth. "Um, why are you here, and why is there a big hole in the kitchen?"  
  
"Oh, a mob is chasing us and--" said Kazooie before being interrupted by a large KLANG. "Oh no! They've broken through!"  
  
Kazooie quickly explained their dilemma. "Can you help us?"  
  
"Er, yeah," said Al before horking up something nasty. "I'll hold them back until you leave, but hurry!"  
  
"Er, thanks," said Bottles after wiping it off his flannel shirt.  
  
Big Al ran through the hole and disappeared from view, and a soft BUTT could be heard.  
  
They hurried off to find help. 


	5. Eekum Bokum

CHAPTER FIVE: Eekum Bokum.  
  
All was quiet in Wumba's Wigwam, situated just outside an abandoned amusement park in the Isle O' Hags. The wigwam itself had held up pretty well all those years, and the harsh weather changes it had gone through took little toll on the stand-alone teepee.  
  
Humba Wumba lay still on her wool blanket as she napped by the fire in the center. She had removed the cumbersome puddle of goo after a mishap involving a misstep and a gruesome mis-morgification when she fell in. It took weeks to change herself back to human form after she became a Styrocasaurus.  
  
She fell into a deeper sleep as she rested her head on her spellbook.  
  
The Secret Eggs and Key saw their chance.  
  
Yellow and Blue dashed inside the wigwam as Ice Key stood guard outside. They hobbled over toward the spellbook and slowly pried it form her hands.  
  
"Come on now," whispered Yellow, "We're just gonna borrow it..." Blue carefully held up Wumba's feathered head as the book slowly began to move.  
  
"How much longer?" hissed Ice Key.  
  
"Just a little..." and the book had been removed successfully. The two eggs sighed.  
  
"Bookattacka..." mumbled Wumba. The eggs froze. Had she awoken? Yellow and Blue looked at each other, and back to Wumba.  
  
But she continued to sleep, and the Secret Items hurried off the find the other spellbook.

------

While Klunty's stranglehold on the Jinjos went on, Mumbo was having a blast in his skull. The Shaman had invited 70 of his closest friends over for the JinjoBowl XI party, and had performed an Anti-SoundLeak spell around his house as to not disturb the neighboring tribes. They were constantly playing the Mingy Jongo tune from Banjo-Tooie; so loudly in fact that the windows shattered, but it was all in good fun.  
  
"Which hut rock most?" asked Mumbo proudly. "MUMBO'S!" cheered the crowd, and they continued to play Pin the Ears on the Glowbo. They never noticed that the actual soccer game had halted hours ago.  
  
Just then, Kazooie and the moles had run up to the entrance of the hut.  
  
"I know Mumbo can help us with our Banjo problem," said Kazooie, "I mean, come on, he can revive aliens and strange safari men, surely he can bring Banjo back to life..."  
  
Bottles had been covering Goggles' ears while she said this.  
  
So she knocked on the door. No response.  
  
"Hurm?" pondered the breegull. She knocked harder.  
  
Nothing.  
  
"Here, let me try," said Bottles and he pounded on Mumbo's door. "That's strange..." He scratched his side with confusion.  
  
"Wait." She looked up. "Give me a boost," spoke the bird and Bottles did so. "Kazooie Flip-Flapped over to the top window and glided her way inside the hut. It was then that an unbelievably, thunderingly loud sound shoved her back out again.  
  
"AUGHHHH!" the bird yelped as she fell back down beside the mole with a THUD.  
  
"Well, that didn't work," said Bottles.  
  
Kazooie glanced at the mole. "Well, I don't see YOU trying anything, Jam Jars!"  
  
"That's my brother," he said.  
  
"WHATEVER."  
  
After that, Bottles dug a hole into Mumbo's hut. "Will that do?"  
  
Kazooie kept quiet.  
  
Inside, Mumbo made an announcement. "I thank all friends for coming. I--"  
  
The crowd suddenly cheered uproariously for no reason.  
  
"Mumbo asks for quiet," said he, and continued. "Mumbo's toilet is clogged, so please don't use."  
  
Suddenly, a mound of dirt popped up under the shaman. "Aigh!" he yelled as Kazooie, Bottles, and Goggles appeared.  
  
"We need your help!" spoke the Breegull, Banjo is DEAD!"  
  
Mumbo passed out from one to many Dudweisers.  
  
"Oh boy..." 


	6. Klunty the Ugly

CHAPTER SIX: Klunty the Ugly.  
  
Mumbo slowly opened his eyes to see Bottles dabbing a wet cloth on his numb skull. "Ooh, Mumbo needs aspirin..."  
  
Kazooie spoke. "How rowdy do these parties of yours get, bone boy? I knew witch doctors partied hardy, but this is a bit much..."  
  
The shaman looked around the room to see that all the guests had gone, leaving the hut in shambles. All the tables were upturned, the steps leading to the upper floor had crumbled away, and chairs had been stuck upside down from the ceiling.  
  
--"Great Mumbo magic alone will not fix this...OOH! EEE! OOH-AHH-AHH!" he added when Bottles applied some iodine the Mumbo's scrapes, which he had gotten from crushing beer cans under his armpits.  
  
"Anyway," spoke the mole, "like Kazooie said before, Banjo was zapped by something up in the stands. We were wondering if you could revive him."  
  
"Mumbo need big rest and hangover medication before attempting shaman spell," he said. "Mumbo also need dead body to perform spell, so bring furry bear here."  
  
"There may be a problem with that," replied Kazooie, "cause right now, the crowd should be rioting the stadium... here, take a look," she said as she turned on the telly in the corner.  
  
And on the TV, to everyone's surprise, appeared Kluntilda.  
  
"...Once again, my good friends," said the witch, "JinjoBowl XI has been cancelled due to the fact that I NOW CONTROL EVERYONE IN THE STADIUM. Hahahaha!"  
  
Mumbo, Kazooie, Bottles, and Goggles all gasped in disbelief.  
  
"It seems that Kazooie somehow evaded my attack," continued Klunty, "and is on the loose. Don't think you'll escape that easily!" She cackled heartily.  
  
"Oh my!" shouted Bottles. She's going to send her baddies after us! And we have no place to hide!"  
  
"Snap out of it, See-further-A-Tron!" yelled Kazooie, "I know a place that we could be safe in. Now let me hear!"  
  
Klunty resumed, "Even if you can't be found, your loved ones will! So either way, IT'S BYE-BYE TODAY!"  
  
"I thought the witch didn't rhyme anymore," spoke Goggles from under his safety blanket. "I-is she going to get us?"  
  
"Don't worry, son," said Bottles, "We'll be all right. Won't we, Kazooie?" He stared at the Breegull. "Won't we?"  
  
Kazooie shrugged her feathered shoulders. 


	7. Beach Skull, Skull Beach

CHAPTER SEVEN: Beach, Skull. Skull, Beach.  
  
Jolly Roger Lagoon was very quiet this time of the year. The cold weather and densely salty water mostly diverted the valuable sea life that provided a source a source of sales there, and since there was no connection to the ocean, no ships could harbor in to trade. It was quite a recession.  
  
Jolly Roger himself however, was very loud and cheery this late in the evening. He and his partner, Merry Maggie, were puzzling many a sailor in their Quiz that night.  
  
"Do you give up, my lad?" asked Jolly, "You can walk away whenever you wish."  
  
"Er...uh, gimme a minute here, said the hairy sailor, "I know it's in Southport..."  
  
"Come on there, big boy, " said he jolly frog, "we can't wait forever, you know."  
  
"...ah, is it... Tuskeneesee?" he asked.  
  
"You got it right, my big hairy-chested fellow!" cried Jolly before jumping up on the table and doing a jig. He sang, "Hurray, hurray for the sailor man, who makes me feel so--"  
  
And at that moment, Kazooie, Bottles, and his wife and children burst through the door.  
  
Jolly Roger was so surprised at this that he fell into a sailor's lap. "Ooh! Gave me a start, you did."  
  
Kazooie stared. "Um, sorry to interrupt your uh..." said the Breegull, looking at Roger laying over the sailor.  
  
Jolly jumped up. "Please excuse me. What is it you'd be wanting from me at this hour?"  
  
"A room for six, er, Jolly," said the bird. The mole spoke. "We need a place to hide from Klunty until we can figure out a plan to revive Banjo, and maybe destroy the witch for good this time."  
  
The happy and carefree one pulled out his reservation book. "Well, we have two vacancies available; one room with two beds, and another room with one bed."  
  
"Okay, so the wife and I can share one bed," said Bottles. "Goggles and Speccy can sleep in the second, and, er..."  
  
"Hey... wait a sec!" said Kazooie, "then there's one bed left!" Where will Bone Boy sleep?"  
  
"Molting bird must mean, where SHE sleep!" uttered Mumbo, detesting sleeping on the ground. "Mumbo not sleep on cold floor..."  
  
"Well, it's either that, or you can both sleep together..." said Jolly Roger with a grin spreading across his face.  
  
Kazooie and Mumbo stared at each other in surprise. "YOU CAN HAVE THE BED," they both said simultaneously to each other.  
  
"So it's settled," spoke the jolly barkeep. "Now, to the matter of payment..."  
  
Kazooie checked her feathers. "Oh, I'm all out of doubloons," she said. "Didn't exactly get a chance to go to the bank today."  
  
Mumbo searched his grass skirt. "Nope. Mumbo is broke."  
  
"Well I don't have any," said the mole, "do you have any, honey?"  
  
"Don't 'honey' me!" snapped Mrs. Bottles. "It's because of your rush to get me here that I don't have my purse."  
  
"Mommy, why are you fighting?" asked Goggles.  
  
"We're not fighting, dear," she said, "we're just having a conflict of ideas, that's all."  
  
"I'll say!" said Kazooie. "Now how the heck are we going to pay for the rooms?" It was then that a thought struck her.  
  
"Um, Jolly?" said the Breegull. She walked over to Roger and whispered something into his ear, pointing occasionally at Bottles.  
  
"Uh huh, uh huh... Ow, you poked me with your beak..." mumbled Jolly. He then giggled.  
  
"So we have a deal then," said the bird.  
  
"Yes we certainly do," said Roger.  
  
Kazooie turned to the rest of the pack. "Okay, let's get our things into the rooms," she said, and ushered the others to do so.  
  
Bottles scratched his head. As the bird was entering her room, he asked, "What did you say to let us stay for free?"  
  
"Oh, nothing..." said Kazooie coyly.  
  
The mole turned to Merry Maggie as she smiled back. She winked, blowing him a kiss.  
  
Bottles swallowed hard. 


	8. Ambush

CHAPTER EIGHT: Ambush.  
  
All was quiet at the inn that night as Jolly Roger tidied up the place, and sipped a few ginger beers. Merry Maggie was busying herself in the back room, rearranging several barrels and portraits, and the sailors were all gone, so there was no use to announce the closing of the inn for the night as Jolly locked up the doors.  
  
At the rooms, Kazooie and Mumbo had made an agreement about the bed arrangements. Mumbo would sleep in the bed, while the bird would sleep in a nest on top of the cabinet by the window. They both slept soundly.  
  
The only one that could not sleep that night was Bottles.  
  
The mole hadn't really understood what Kazooie did earlier with Jolly, and couldn't keep his mind off what it could have meant. Finally, Bottles could take it no more. He looked to his wife to see if she was awake, and slowly got out of bed, harrowing toward the door.  
  
"Honey," mumbled Mrs. Bottles in a distant and groggy voice, "could you get me a glass of water while you're up?"  
  
Bottles' shoulders slumped, and he stepped out of the room. Most of the lights were out at the bar, so he decided to skip the water for later as it was already too hard to see.  
  
Meanwhile, Kazooie started to ruffle her feathers with every breath, and it was really ticking off Mumbo. "Filthy feathered one must stop, or Mumbo shut bird up good," the shaman said. He reached for his zapping stick.  
  
But Kazooie ruffled louder, and even began to snore.  
  
"Dumb bird ask for it--!" yelled Mumbo. He pointed his zapping stick at the Breegull.  
  
Just then, Bottles burst through the door. This caught Mumbo by surprise, and he accidentally zapped the mole.  
  
"BZZARGH!!!" Bottles yelped, and collapsed on the floor.  
  
"Oh no, what mumbo done? Attack not meant for Mole!"  
  
Bottles slowly got off the ground. "Wha..."  
  
"Mumbo so sorry for singed mole," said the witch doctor.  
  
"You should be!" said Kazooie suddenly.  
  
"Bird incorrect," said Mumbo, "it all HER fault."  
  
"Okay, okay," said Bottles. "Enough fighting! Now, Kazooie, I need to speak with you."  
  
"About what?" she asked.  
  
"I can't sleep... with the thought you gave me before."  
  
"What thought?"  
  
"Well... you said something to Jolly to let us stay here for free... you didn't set up some kind of..."  
  
"What, you thought I set up a date between you and Merry Maggie?"  
  
"Um..."  
  
"No, no, I couldn't do that! You're a married Mole, Bottles."  
  
"Oh..."  
  
"What I did was set up a date between MUMBO and Merry Maggie."  
  
Mumbo's eyes bulged. "WHAAAT?"  
  
"Yes, apparently she has the hots for you..." said Kazooie with a laugh.  
  
"Smart-mouth bird learn not to mess with shaman master!" said Mumbo, and pointed his zapping stick straight at the very surprised bird, gripping it tightly.  
  
"I'd like to see you try, bone head!" uttered Kazooie. "Just like you tried to -- WHOA!"  
  
It was then that the whole inn shook violently.  
  
"Was that you, Mumbo?" asked Bottles.  
  
"No, whole inn shakes lots!" shouted Mumbo over the rumbling and shaking.  
  
"What's happening?" yelled the mole.  
  
Kazooie looked out the window, "OH NO," she said, "we're being attacked!"  
  
The window lit up with every attack on the inn. Wood splintered, stone crumbled, and glass shattered as the unknown force continued to rage against the tavern.  
  
"I know yer in there!" spoke a booming voice. "The red bird and skull man checked in, but they won't check out!!!"  
  
"What's going on out there?" asked Bottles hurriedly.  
  
"Can't see... It looks like a huge ship!" said the bird.  
  
The force stopped attacking. The smoke cleared, and it was finally clear what was attacking them. Two hovering vessels floated over Jolly's Tavern as they re-aimed their missile turrets. One was the Rusty Bucket, the other, newly repaired and ready for battle, was the Salty Hippo. 


	9. How Are You Gentlemen

The quagmire in the Isle O' Hags had always been rather grimy since the factory had shut down all those years ago, and many of its pathways and tunnels had either closed down or been covered over with wet moss. The train tracks, for example, were in disarray and could not be traveled upon by any means, certainly not by Chuffy. An odd silence filled the empty void.  
  
A silence that was soon filled with the chattering of the Blue Egg, Yellow Egg, and Ice Key, relentless in their travels.  
  
"Are you sure Mingella's spellbook is around this way?" asked Yellow. "You really should check into it more."  
  
"I'm sure it's over there," responded Blue. "Honey B said that Grunty's sisters got squashed under some weights in her castle. The book must still be with them."  
  
"It better be," added Key. "I mean, we walked all this way, and I'd hate to walk all the way back empty-handed."  
  
On that note, the three examined the secret exit. "That's high! How are we supposed to get up to that?"  
  
"WILL you stop yellin' over there?"  
  
All three turned to the angry voice. There stood a sign near a service elevator reading NOT IN USE. The paint on the letters was apparently still wet, with a paintbrush and can beside it.  
  
"Yeah, I'm talkin' to you!" spoke the paint can. "Who are you to be yellin' like ya own the place?"  
  
"Well, I'm sorry mister," said Yellow. "We were just wondering how we could get up to that door over there."  
  
"Maybe you can stick a rocket up your ass and launch ya'self up there!" retorted the can.  
  
"Heh heh, launch ya'self..." added the paintbrush.  
  
"Hey now!" said Key. "Watch your language!"  
  
"Or what – you gonna kick my ass?" said the can. "Imagine that: a piece o' ice kickin' my ass! That'd be the day!"  
  
"Heh heh, imagine..." said the paintbrush.  
  
"What did I tell you about repeating me?" said the can.  
  
"Sorry."  
  
"The Ice Key could not stand for this. "I dare you to say that again. I dare you!"  
  
But the paint can just chortled. "Heheheh... What is your PROBLEM, boy? Lookit you, two eggs and a key! No wonder you three are together. Ya look like a big flang with to monkeys! Heheheh!"  
  
"Heh heh, flang..."  
  
"Why you–" and the Key dashed for the lippy can. The eggs tried to hold him back, but it was no use: Key knocked down the paint can, spilling red paint onto the ground.  
  
"Aw no!" moaned the can. "My one weakness! Noooo! I just KNOW that ------- pitchfork put you up to this! Damn ---- ! I'M NOT DONE, DAMN YOU! I'M...not..." his voice faded as the paint slowly drizzled into a storm drain.  
  
The two eggs stared in disbelief. "You... you just killed a complete stranger!" they said.  
  
"COOL!"  
  
The paintbrush hopped away. "Heh heh, cool..."  
  
------  
  
At the inn, Kazooie poked her head out the window in order to see clearly. The ships loomed overhead in the night sky, as a movement took place in them.  
  
Captain Blackeye climbed out of the lower deck. "Well, well, well," he began, "ye think I wouldn't be lookin' for ye, didn't ye?"  
  
Kazooie looked confused. "Um... who are you again?" she asked.  
  
"ARRRGH!" yelled the captain. "Don't act dumb with me, ye mangy pile of feathers! You know what you and the bear did to me."  
  
The Breegull thought for a moment. "Er...OH," she realized, "I know what he's referring to..."  
  
"Ye darn right ye do!" said Blackeye. "It wasn't the concept of a bear runnin' around collecting Jiggys, it was the idea of a Bear n' Bird joined at the hip that enticed those people ta create Banjo-Kazooie!"  
  
"This is just too surreal..."  
  
"Mumbo not part of idea to make game," said the witch doctor. "So shaman not get blasted..."  
  
"Hey!" said the bird. "Yeah, like you're really gonna get us in a game called Banjo-Threeie!"  
  
"Urrgh... Yer all gonna get what ye rightfully deserve, said Blackeye, "and I've got all but 3 crewmen with me..." He waved his arm over, and a few of the shipmates appeared on each vessel.  
  
Dozens of hippos appeared on the wooden ship.  
  
"Ready the missiles, men!" said Blubber, who was in charge of the weaponry on the Salty Hippo.  
  
"Did I GIVE that order?" said Captain Ungry, a fellow hippo. "Ye know, you really haven't been ship-worthy since you blew all of the ship's gold away on somma that luxury craft..."  
  
"Sorry, Captain..." said blubber with a few burps.  
  
Back at the Rusty Bucket, Blackeye spoke once again, "ye can surrender now, or be blasted and squished under the remains of the inn."  
  
"We have no choice!" said Bottles. "Either way, we'll die!"  
  
"Bottles, when will you learn?" said the bird. "There is always a way out of these things. We just have to stall them until we have a plan."  
  
"Mumbo unsure of Breegull's idea," said he. "They not wait much long to zap bird."  
  
"Says you," said Kazooie. "Now Bottles, let's wake up the others, and maybe we'll survive." 


	10. Tossing Barrels

CHAPTER TEN: Tossing Barrels.  
  
"You have no chance to survive make your time!" spoke the evil Blackeye. "There is no way to escape! You will _die_!"  
  
Kazooie, Mumbo, and Bottles woke up the others.  
  
Mrs. Bottles yawned, and spoke. "Did you get the water, honey?" she asked.  
  
"She sure is a sound sleeper..." said Kazooie. "You'd think with all the banging outside, she'd be awake by now."  
  
"No time for water, sweetheart," said the mole, "we have to get out of here, quick!"  
  
Mrs. Bottles quickly put on her robe. "Oh, that witch is still hounding us, isn't she? Why cant we just coincide in peace?" she sighed as she rubbed her eyes.  
  
Bottles reached over to the bunk above him. "Goggles! Speccy! Wake up children!"  
  
"Wha -- daddy?" spoke the mole kids.  
  
"Come on now..." So out the room they went.  
  
Bottles looked to Kazooie. "What's the plan now, beakface?"  
  
I'll just show you, itchy," said the Breegull. She went over to Merry Maggie's room. "Er, Maggie?" she called.  
  
Mumbo stayed out of sight.  
  
The door opened up and there appeared the giant frog. "Is there anything I can do for you?" asked Maggie, adjusting her hair.  
  
"Er, yes. We need you to move a couple of barrels for us," said the bird, "since we're going to sleep in the back, if you don't mind."  
  
"Oh, okay." she spoke in her deep voice. She went to the back room.  
  
Kazooie waited until Maggie was out of sight. "Okay, here's the plan: when she moves the gun powder up to the wall here, you trip her, she'll drop the barrels, and I'll open the door."  
  
"What good will that do?" asked Bottles.

"Just wait and see," she said and it was then at that moment that Maggie returned with a huge barrel under each arm. "Where should I put them?" she asked.  
  
"Er, right here by the door will be fine," said the bird. She motioned for Bottles to do his thing.  
  
"Hurm? ...Oh," mumbled Bottles and placed his foot in Merry Maggie's path to trip her.  
  
Maggie stomped the mole's foot.  
  
Bottles winced. "AAAAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHHH!"  
  
"Oh, did I step on you?" said the bulky gal barely noticing.  
  
Kazooie grew furious. She then had an idea. "Mumbo!" said the bird, "er, Maggie left already!"  
  
The shaman got up from behind the door. "Whew, Mumbo -- WHA?"  
  
Maggie got a glimpse of the witch doctor, and dropped the barrels. "OH! I didn't see you there..." she blushed.  
  
Kazooie opened the door quickly as the barrels rolled out of the inn, onto the town center. She spat out a grenade egg to trail them, and they did just as the bird expected them to: explode in front of the hovering ships to create a diversion.  
  
"ARRR?" exclaimed Capt. Blackeye. "The bird is retaliatin'! Hurry up and FIRE!!!"  
  
Kazooie hurriedly apologized to Maggie. "I'm sorry the gun powder is destroyed, but we have to leave! C'mon everyone!"  
  
"My partner Jolly will be mad at this," she said.  
  
So Bottles' family, Mumbo, and Kazooie raced out of the tavern, through the smoke, and toward the Smugglers Cavern to escape.


	11. The Mole

CHAPTER ELEVEN: The Mole.  
  
The group ran through the darkness toward the opening that had been opened five years ago: the secret entrance to the hidden subterranean sea world of Atlantis. Kazooie knew they would be safe there until they figured out a way to subvert Kluntilda, and apparently the menacing captain as well.  
  
Unfortunately, the opening at the side of the tavern was plastered over.  
  
"Well, THAT was a nice plan," muttered Bottles.  
  
"Dumb beaked one got group out in the open," said Mumbo. "Not long before ship see us."  
  
Goggles and Speccy clutched each of Mrs. Bottles' legs. "What's happening, Mommy?"  
  
Kazooie looked to the mole. "There must be something we can do..."  
  
But at that moment, the cemented wall busted open. The wall fragments scattered everywhere as every one did their best surprised motion.  
  
They all stared at what arose in the rubble. The dust cleared.  
  
"Is that--?  
  
Bottles spoke. "Squ...Squinty?"  
  
It was Bottles' nephew, covered in dust.  
  
"Unkie!" yelled Squinty as he ran over to a near motionless Bottles.  
  
"Wha...what happened to you?" asked Mrs. Bottles. "We were worried when you were left behind at the stadium."  
  
"I managed to escape the nasty witch," said the nephew. "I'm safe now."  
  
"But... how did you get here?" asked Bottles in a concerned voice.  
  
"Uh, well... I guess it was a coincidence!" said Squinty with a smile.  
  
The mole family huggled briefly.  
  
"All right, all right!" said the bird. "Enough with the rodent reunion, let's get out of here!"  
  
The seven had made it and were breathing heavily inside the shimmering cavern. They rested for a while, and stared at the water reflections. Mumbo in particular would dip his foot into the cool water and make ripples with his zapping stick. One of the mole children would continue playing with their toy plane. It was a marvelous world under the town center.  
  
Well, Kazooie, what do we do now?" asked Bottles.  
  
But Kazooie was in a hypnotic-like stance. "Hey, wait a minute..." She looked to Squinty.  
  
"How did you bust down the wall like that?"  
  
"SILENCE, YOU MANGY BIRD," snapped Squinty, with a piercing stare.  
  
"What did you just say?" said the Breegull.  
  
An evil grin spread across his face. "You heard me!" He then cackled a very familiar cackle.  
  
"_Klunty_?"  
  
"In a matter of speaking," said Squinty. "You seem to have forgotten that I control everyone that was in the stadium!" The mole laughed. "You and your middling friends are coming with me. You can come out now, Clanker!"  
  
They all looked to the water as the humongous mechanical shark rushed out onto the surface, disturbing the water greatly as it lumbered over them.  
  
"A marvelous beast, isn't he?" continued the mole. "Aptly named too!" He looked as the shark's rusted parts clanked together rhythmically to its low breathing.  
  
"I've done it!" said Squinty in a low voice, "I've finally gotten the bird!!!"


	12. Submerged

CHAPTER TWELVE: Submerged.  
  
Clanker's eyes were welded shut as he faced the mole family and others. The shark groaned in the shimmering water, "Murrrg..."  
  
"How could you possibly HELP the witch?" asked Bottles, with little breath in his voice.  
  
The fish responded, "Klunty make me kidnap, not want to..." Clanker was obviously punished for deceiving Klunty when he befriended the bear and bird, and was robbed of his eyesight.  
  
Mumbo scratched his skull. "Who big metal fish?"  
  
"Oh," mumbled the bird, "that's Clanker, the mechanical garbage grinder. He was in some sewer system before..."  
  
"Silence!" said Squinty. "Now Clanker, move forward to the edge so we can board."  
  
"Board?" yelled Mrs. Bottles. "You want us to ride in this beast? Well I never...!"  
  
"That tears it!" exclaimed the breegull. She snatched Mumbo's zapping stick and held it at wings length directly at Squinty. "I'm not afraid to use this... er, thing!"  
  
Squinty did a double take. "Wha??"  
  
The mole siblings suddenly pleaded, "NO! Not cousin squinty!" Their mother held them back.  
  
"Will you stop that!!!" yelled the bird. "Squinty is not quite himself! He's being controlled by the witch -- you know the witch, right?"  
  
Goggles and Speccy both nodded.  
  
"You see, I'm protecting you against him..." Her eyes diverted for a split second. The perfect chance for Squinty.  
  
The evil mole pounced. "GAHHH!!!" yelped Kazooie as the mole frantically tried to yank the zapping stick from the bird's feathers. Mr. and Mrs. Bottles yelled to stop the fighting. Mumbo jumped on the both of them to reclaim his stick. Clanker moaned. But it was too late. A sudden burst of energy shot out.  
  
The beam ricocheted off the reflective walls of the cavern and finally landed Clanker right between the eyes.  
  
"MUUURG!!!"  
  
The shark's eyes were blasted open, and Clanker regained his vision. "Clanker see," he declared.  
  
Mumbo pulled to get his zapping stick so strongly that when it was let go of he flew into the water, the stick itself flying off in the other direction.  
  
Kazooie really let Squinty have it. She poked at each of the mole's eyes and did a swift Talon Kick into his chest. "This is MY house!" she said instinctively. She then felt a hard THUD against the back of her head.  
  
"You fiend!" yelled Mrs. Bottles when she whacked the bird with her purse. "How could you hurt a child???"  
  
Squinty lay sprawled on the floor. Mrs. Bottles began to reach for him, but was insisted by Bottles to stay back.  
  
"Hey now!" said Kazooie, "that was totally uncalled for! Don't you know that Squinty has Klunty's influence and powers? Where have you been?"  
  
"Calm down now honey," said Bottles, looking into his wife's eyes. "You may not have realized it, but Kazooie might just have saved us all."  
  
Everyone at that moment realized that Mumbo was drowning.  
  
The shaman gurgled and sputtered as he struggled to stay above the surface of the water. "Mumbo need help!" he gasped.  
  
There were so many things happening, the bird didn't know where to begin. Kazooie quickly rushed over to help the witch doctor. "Grab my wing!" she yelled. She managed to get him up on shore.  
  
Mumbo wheezed and coughed as he spat out the water from his lungs, his feathers matted down onto his skull. He groped for his stick blindly through his soaked eyes.  
  
"Mumbo, what happened?" asked Kazooie almost stupidly.  
  
"Nothing. Where stick?" he pleaded amidst coughs.  
  
She passed it over to him. "Here you go."  
  
Mumbo slowly got up, straightening out his grass skirt. The bird and mole stared at him. Something strange was going on.  
  
"I thought you could swim," said Kazooie. "You even swam when you helped us in Banjo-Tooie. What's up?"  
  
"Nothing up. Leave alone." demanded the shaman.  
  
At that second, Squinty began to stir.  
  
"We'd better tie that kid up before he wakes up," said Kazooie, her mind still on Mumbo.  
  
"Don't tie him up too tight," said Mrs. Bottles, "or he'll suffocate."  
  
Kazooie looked to the mole mother. "Yeah, and we sure don't want that," she said with sarcasm.  
  
"Clanker?" Bottles called. "Hey Clanker, can you help us escape?"  
  
"Clanker be happy to help friends," he said in a slightly happier yet murrgy tone.  
  
"You'd better," said the bird. "Banjo and I freed you, fixed your teeth, and got your vision back. You owe us a bucketload."  
  
The mechanical fish opened his large jaws.  
  
"I guess we got a free ride. All right, let's go," the Breegull said to the group.  
  
Bottles and Kazooie boarded quickly carrying Squinty in their limbs, followed by Mr. and Mrs. Bottles with their children on their backs, and then followed by a rather reluctant Mumbo.  
  
"C'mon bone boy," said the bird, "what's the problem?"  
  
Mumbo gripped his zapping stick tightly. He slowly stepped over the teeth and past the gums. "Here Mumbo come..."  
  
Clanker shut his mouth gently and slid down beneath the water, diving deep into the sea, away from danger.  
  
For now. 


	13. Restlessness

CHAPTER THIRTEEN: Restlessness.  
  
Cauldron Keep's mysterious green mist still lingered around the massive tower as it loomed over the Isle O' Hags. Maybe it was the pollution of Klunty's factory, or the ash from one of Hailfire's peaks, but still -- it was as if the witch's power still held it in high regard. The formidably high-perched B.O.B. was defunct now, and it's laser hung lazily low. It was a true sign of power and forgetfulness.  
  
But the ones who would not forget their goal were the secret Eggs and Key. Since that odd moment earlier on, the Ice Key had asserted his dominance over the other two items. Standing taller than the two eggs, Ice Key led the way into Klunty's castle.  
  
"Come on now," said Key in his playful strut, "keep up. There's no time to waste. We spent an awfully long time repairing that service elevator to come up here."  
  
The eggs hobbled quicker and kept behind their leader. "Right behind you!" they said.  
  
They had reached the gaping hole that was the entrance and entered. The group quickly ran past the grand first room and onto the second, the forgotten game show entitled TOWER OF TRAGEDY. Rushing toward the 1-Ton weights, the three examined their predicament.  
  
"Hmm," thought Key aloud. "Mingella should be under one of these. Blue, hand me Wumba's Book, please?"  
  
The three huddled closely, reading through its pages for the right spell. "Wait... here's one." said Key, and motioned for the two to read together:  
  
"Inca Pink, a Bottle of Ink, a Quart Fell Out and You SHRINK."  
  
It worked immediately. The weight glowed brightly, and it began to grow, and then shrank abruptly to a small size.  
  
"Here we go," said Key, pushing the tiny weight aside and grabbing the final book, "one spellbook. That was quite nice," he added with a smile.  
  
"Yay!" cried the eggs. "We can finally go back to Grunty's old lair and save Purple!"  
  
Yes, they could indeed.  
  
------  
  
Clanker swam swiftly through the deep indigo sea, effortless in his movements. Deep inside the bowls of the fish's mecha bod, Kazooie, Mumbo, Bottles, Mr. Bottles, and the Mole children clambered together as the sea machine shifted through the clear water. Uncertain of their destination, the bird and shaman chatted briefly inside its slimy belly.  
  
"I'm not sure where we're going," spoke Kazooie, "but I hope it's far away from that annoying pirate!"  
  
Mumbo grabbed the skull end of his zapping stick and nervously tapped the handle on one of Clanker's enormous ribs. "Mumbo not like situation," he uttered, "not like it at all."  
  
Incidentally, Squinty was tied to one of the ribs. "Mmmmphle!" he yelled under the kerchief, frantically squirming.  
  
"He'll eventually grow tired of moving about," assured Bottles. "Speaking of which, I could use some sleep right about now."  
  
How could you sleep in a place like this?" spoke Mrs. Bottles. "We're deep inside a fish's guts! You inconsiderate ham!"  
  
"Um... actually, there's a molehill over at the end," said Bottles in a smaller voice.  
  
"Oh, really?" said a delighted Mrs. Bottles. "Well, that's different then. We could just – hey, wait a second! Define 'end'."  
  
"Uhm... you know... _end_," spoke Bottles reluctantly.  
  
Mrs. Bottles' face transformed into a look of disgust. "AUGH!" she exclaimed. "How could you have taught Banjo and Kazooie a move down _there_?"  
  
Meanwhile, Mumbo and Kazooie's little chat had turned into an argument. "Mumbo, for the last time, what was up with you _drowning_ before?"  
  
"MUMBO NOT TELLING," spoke the shaman and quickly got up, walking away from the Breegull and toward Bottles.  
  
Kazooie looked at Mumbo with suspicion.  
  
He had now entered the conversation between Mr. and Mrs. Bottles. "Mumbo ask if there room in mound."  
  
"Yes, there is quite some room in the molehill," said the mole, adding, "especially if the Mrs. doesn't want to sleep there."  
  
"What did you SAY?" asked Mrs. Bottles.  
  
"Listen!" said the bird suddenly, walking up to them. "It took a lot of effort to make sure we were safe. You shouldn't be angry at the mole for that. If you don't want to sleep in the dirt clump, just sleep on the moist, sticky, pulsating floor."  
  
The mole mother opened her mouth to say something, then stopped. She gathered up her children, and ushered her husband to join them as they quietly walked over to the end room, with Mumbo trailing behind.  
  
The bird kept staring at them until they disappeared from view. "Hey, why don't I watch after Squinty to make sure he doesn't break loose?" she asked with sarcasm. She sat by the now sleeping child as she began to doze. 


	14. Mortal Combatants

CHAPTER FOURTEEN: Mortal Combatants.  
  
The people inside Clanker were safe and sleeping very comfortably as the shark maneuvered in the deep. He had helped Kazooie and her friends once again, and a warm feeling spread through his metal shell as he trundled along. He chuckled a murrgy chuckle, which brightened his odd sharp-toothed gaze.  
  
But problems would soon arise. Traveling carefully between various sunken wrecks as to not cause a collision, a voice called out to him.  
  
"Who dares enter my private sect!" spoke a high and kingly voice. "Many have learned of my wrath, and you will be part of that many!"  
  
Clanker slowed down very carefully, as to not disturb his sleeping friends, and looked towards the voice.  
  
An eerie silvery-green glow emitted from behind a weed-choked sunken ship, swaying in the current. A mighty BLARRR was uttered, and the beast arose from its hiding place.  
  
It was Lord Woo Fak Fak.  
  
The self-important anglerfish spoke, the newly replaced Jiggy swinging atop his head. "You have initiated the defending ritual known as the duel. I shall defend my honor, as I have done successfully for many centuries."  
  
"Murrg...sen...trees," muttered Clanker, trying to understand the word.  
  
"You doubt the longevity of my defense?" said Woo Fak Fak, misunderstanding. "It is valid, as sure as I am floating here!"  
  
Clanker's mind at that moment flew to a more disturbing dilemma. "Banjo..." he uttered, suddenly realizing the bear was no longer with his friends.  
  
"How..." spoke the anglerfish. "How could you have known of my one pitiful defeat? This cannot stand! _En Guarde_!" The lord dashed at the shark.  
  
Clanker's large, curious eyes focused again on the adversary. Shrugging everything Woo Fak Fak had just said, he began to leave.  
  
"Oh no, you don't!" spoke Woo, sending a crystallic glowing beam at him. The metal fish, sensing danger, weaved left and down at the attack. But in doing so, he crashed his left flipper into a rusted barge.  
  
"MURRRG!" yowled the garbage grinder. Not in pain, but in shock of the fact that water was now spilling into his insides, possibly drowning Kazooie and the others.  
  
"Pitiful," uttered the lordly fish, rolling his eyes at the apparent weakness he saw in the mech. "You are not worthy. Your family, your friends should be ashamed of you. You have lost."  
  
His friends. Clanker knew he had probably drowned his friends with the hull rupture. He HAD lost. Anger filled his vacant eyes as he turned to Woo Fak Fak. "Friends...!"  
  
"What--?"  
  
Clanker dash towards a surprised Woo at full speed, shouting his newfound trademark phrase: "MMMUUUURRRGGG!"  
  
The two fish collided. The sheer force of metal against flesh knocked Woo Fak Fak out. The lord had been upturned.  
  
"Murrrg," Clanker cheered with glee. He swam away, looking back only to see the upside-down anglerfish, beaten once more.  
  
It would be a long night.


	15. The Color Purple

CHAPTER FIFTEEN: The Color Purple. 

For nearly seven years, the mystery of the secret items had been held. The eggs and key had banded together since the tragic demolition of Klunty's old Lair, once their home. Several of the eggs were destroyed in the act, but there was one. One who had been mercilessly concealed and lost deep in the trundle of boulder that had been packed in. It wasn't a few rocks keeping Purple from escaping, it was years of decay and neglect and horrible destruction that kept the item truly away from its friends. Two of the eggs and a key had begun a quest that would bring them ease and peace of mind, knowing that there was one. One who survived.

"Inca Pink, a Bottle of Ink, Quart Fell Out and You SHRINK."

It worked immediately. The weight glowed brightly, and it began to grow, and then shrank abruptly to a small size.

"Here we go," said Key, pushing the tiny weight aside and grabbing the final book, "one spellbook. That was quite nice," he added with a smile.

"Yay!" cried the eggs. "We can finally go back to Grunty's old lair and save Purple!"

Yes, they could indeed.

Well, they could if Mingella wasn't right there.

The secret items jumped back as the thin figure slowly rose from the space where the 1-ton weight once stood. The bony witch – bony now both literally and figuratively – reached her hand out though tattered and torn robes.

"Thankful Mingella is," she spoke. "Spellbook witch wants back!"

"She's just skin and bones!" retorted Ice Key. "Well, except for the skin part."

"Been squished for years I have!" said the witch. "Still kick butt I can!"

The eggs yelped. "Oh no! We're doomed!"

Key asserted his leadership once again. "Listen, you pencil-thin skank! You may not know this, but we item can kick butt any day of the week!"

"Yeah!" added Yellow.

No match for witch Easter Egg power is!" Mingella stated, and twirled her bony hand around, a glowing energy emanating from within it. The sparkling sphere grew larger as the items took refuge from behind a curtain.

Key huddled with the others. "Is there any spell in that book that can protect us?" he asked.

"No! It's her book! She can't be harmed by her own spells!" said Blue. "In fact, the only reason Grunty accidentally destroyed herself five years ago was because of the shamanistic nature of the spell used. Mumbo taught it to her."

"What about Wumba's book?" Yellow asked. "There must be something in there we can use!"

"I don't think so," said blue. "Most of the spells require the construction of an enchanted pool."

"Forget the books!" said Key suddenly. "They won't help us now! We have to do this ourselves, unassisted."

The eggs nodded their heads and uncovered themselves. They stood together, with key in front, and leaned toward Mingella, staring daggers into her.

"Say night-night eggs and key should!" said the witch menacingly, and she tossed the spell at them at them.

Time seemed to slow to a standstill as the next events took place. The shimmering dark power had thrust itself toward them, impacting at the items as beams of light flew everywhere. The force shook the entire castle.

All was quiet.

The two eggs opened their eyes, and looked around themselves. The room was now covered in soot from the resulting attack, and chunks of rock were lining the floor.

"Mingella's gone!" said Blue with in a confused tone. "W-what happened?"

His question was answered when he looked down. A puddle of water and bits of ice were spread out in front of them.

"No... Ice Key!"

"He absorbed the brunt of the attack," Yellow muttered slowly. "He saved us. He saved our lives."

"The eggs stared at each other for quite some time before they spoke again. "We still have the book," said Blue. "We owe it to him to continue with the plan."

"You're right," said Yellow. "It's what he would want us to do. Come on, let's go."

"NO... Wait," spoke Blue. "We can't just leave him here. It wouldn't be right. Let me see... Hey, let's use that over there." He pointed out a bucket partially covered by the curtain. They quickly scooped up the water and ice into it.

Carefully, the eggs walked out, returning to Grunty's old Lair to complete their mission.


	16. Chilling

CHAPTER SIXTEEN: Chilling.  
  
Day broke, and the sun shone on Clanker's face as he rested on the shore. He had managed to reach the surface before the hull had flooded with seawater. He took a well-deserved nap, closing his weary eyes.  
  
Inside, Kazooie laid on her back, her mind drifting to other things. Banjo was gone, and although she'd hate to admit it, she missed him. Banjo did have a sense of humor, though it was very basic, and was the real adventurer in their travels. He was a land goer. She was an air goer. They were meant to be friends.  
  
But her thoughts were interrupted with the soft trickling of water against her head. "Ehh?" she moaned. She got up and looked about her.  
  
The most noticeable aspect was a large displacement in the iron bars that held Clanker together, with several bolts missing and ribs slanted. But the most chilling difference was that Squinty was now gone.  
  
"Aw, man!" the bird exclaimed. "Who knows where that brat went!" She quickly went to Bottles and the others to investigate.  
  
She reached the molehill in the end room and knocked – which seemed rather odd. "Hellooo! Wake up time!" she announced.  
  
Slowly, everyone got out. First, a gleeful Speccy and Goggles exited, followed by a tortured-looking Mumbo and Bottles. The whole thing reminded Kazooie of a clown-car scene.  
  
"Where's the Mrs.?" asked the Breegull.  
  
"Making breakfast," said Bottles groggily. "It's look like I had some extra food when I needed to boost you health way back when."  
  
"You mean when Banjo was alive," asked Kazooie, her head lowering slightly.  
  
"Yes," spoke the mole sadly.  
  
"So nothing happened here while you were sleeping?" interrogated the bird. "Because Squinty escaped."  
  
"Oh no!" What if he manages to get back to--!"  
  
"I know. We're in big trouble."  
  
Bottles turned to his children. "Kids?" he asked, "did you sleep all right?"  
  
Goggles spoke, "Yes, daddy. Mumbo was telling us a story about how he needs his stick to swim and--" at that point Mumbo dashed to the kid and covered his mouth with his hand.  
  
"What was that you said?" asked Kazooie.  
  
Mumbo let go of the mole. "Nothing," the shaman replied.  
  
"Actually," said Goggles, "Mumbo was saying it in his sleep. We overheard him."  
  
Kazooie's eyes widened slightly. "Well, I suppose the zapping stick CAN be used as a floatation device," she joked.  
  
"Yes, wood floats good," added Speccy.  
  
Both the mole and Breegull began to chuckle at the girl's remark. Mumbo skull turned red.  
  
But the queer chat had halted when a breeze came in. "Brrr," uttered Bottles, "it's getting cold."  
  
"Yes," said Kazooie. "Let's get the kids inside and have breakfast." So they did.  
  
The Molehill actually had a larger interior than it looked from the outside. It had been furnished rather poorly though, which made sense since it hadn't been used much. A single round table stood in the center, with a tiny stove against a wall, and a dim lamp hung over it.  
  
Everyone sat down at their plates and chowed down. The only recognizable substances in front of them were the jars and combs of honey as they ate their meals.  
  
"This is quite good," said Kazooie. "Not exactly caterpillar, but it fits the bill."  
  
Speccy then looked to Mumbo. "Better keep an eye on that stick. "You never know when there'll be a flood."  
  
Bottles and Kazooie nearly choked on their breakfast in laughter. Mumbo's eyes narrowed.  
  
"So then," said Mrs. Bottles as she finally sat with them, "what is your big plan on turning things back to normal this time?"  
  
Both the mole and bird stopped eating, and looked to each other. Communicating without words, Bottles let Kazooie speak.  
  
"Well, I guess we have to get Banjo's body back, so Mumbo can bring him back to life," she said.  
  
"But what about Grunty -- or Klunty, rather?" asked the Mrs.  
  
"Yeah, we always seem to leave that part for later. We'll just have to cross that bridge... when..." The bird suddenly stared into her meal. "What IS this food, anyway?"  
  
"Hurm?" said Mrs. Bottles. "Oh, that's Mutie Meat."  
  
Mumbo's cheeks bloated up. "WHAT?" he said after promptly spitting out the food.  
  
But the kids continued to eat, and Bottles grew angry. "Why did you cook mutated crabs...  
  
...Without butter?" He too continued to eat. 


	17. Still Chilling

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN: Still Chilling.  
  
Soon after breakfast, the bird and mole decided to explore their surroundings.  
  
"Jeez, it's getting even colder," said Kazooie as they got out of the molehill and walked back to the center room. They now noticed the water that was trickling down from Clanker's buckling shell was crystallizing into ice.  
  
"Where are we? Asked Bottles, scratching the back of his neck.  
  
The two dashed toward the front of Clanker, at his large jaws. "Hey, open up," requested the Breegull and the mechanical shark obliged, letting a surprisingly bitter cold wind rush through.  
  
They recognized the area instantly. It was the icy side of Hailfire Peaks.  
  
"It seems colder than usual," commented Bottles.  
  
Clanker must have swum non-stop to get us here by morning," said Kazooie. "Especially without the aid of the Crystal Jiggy."  
  
The mole took in the bird's thoughts. "Especially without my patented move," he added.  
  
Kazooie though for a while, then spoke. "We can't keep the kids and the Mrs. along with us," she said, changing the subject. "We have to leave them at a safe point."  
  
"But this game saves automatically."  
  
"No, I said SAFE point: A place where they could be safe."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"We need a place where Klunty would not harm them. A place that has little or no uses whatsoever, except to bring up some nostalgia. Hmm... Wait a sec! I know a place..."  
  
------  
  
Boggy's igloo was a rare occurrence on the chilly side of Hailfire Peaks, as it was an igloo made not of ice, but of overlain lead and steel. Even more odd, the furnishing inside this mammal-made wonder -- the TV, couch, and shelves -- was made not of stable materials, but of ice. It was quite a physical irony, existing alone as a pure oddity.  
  
Boggy the bear however was hurriedly dressing for an important rendezvous. Quickly donning his scarf, he attempted to swallow his breakfast of bloated salmon in one bite. In doing so, he choked and coughed it back out. The doorbell rang, which shook him greatly.  
  
Walking toward the door, he slipped on the half-chewed fish he had just spat out and fell with a thunderous crash onto the coffee table.  
  
The polar bear kids woke up. Goggy, Moggy, and Soggy had startled awake by the father's fall. They climbed out of their beds, scurrying up the stairs. They stopped at Boggy slumped onto the table, and pulled at his face. "Daddy?" they asked.  
  
Boggy eventually got to his feet, surprised that his children were awake so early on a weekend. Saying very little, he escorted them back to bed, and opened the door that he'd nearly forgotten to answer.  
  
Kazooie and Bottles appeared at the doorway.  
  
This apparently had Boggy frozen in place with shock, a look of terror spreading across his face. As the Breegull reached a wing out to say something, the bear suddenly stumbled backward against the table he had fallen on just moments ago.  
  
"No..." Boggy uttered, "Please, don't hurt me..."  
  
The mole and bird looked to each other in complete bewilderment at the bear's reaction. "What are you saying?" asked Kazooie.  
  
Boggy quickly responded, "No, don't take me to Klunty! I'm sorry I let Banjo take my Jiggies to help defeat her, I really am!"  
  
"What?" said the bird. "We're not taking you to the witch! What is going on with you?"  
  
"Hunh?" said the bear, reaching his paw out slightly. "But... you were both brainwashed by Klunty at the game, weren't you? It said that on the TV yesterday."  
  
"No," said Bottles. "We managed to escape before that. The witch announced it and everything."  
  
"Well, I turned it off right away when I heard about Klunty. I didn't want to scare the kids," Boggy explained.  
  
"You needn't worry about her," said Kazooie. "She's after us, not you. Which brings us to another topic, actually. It involves this mole's furry family."  
  
"Is there any way you could take after my children?" asked Bottles with a slight warmness. "I know you've got a full house here, but the Mrs. will surely keep my boy and girl in order for you. It would really help us out."  
  
Boggy fiddled with his scarf while he decided. "All right," he finally said. "I'll have to talk with my wife though -- she's out and I have to meet her soon. It shouldn't be problem when I explain it to her, so you can leave them here and I'll return later."  
  
"Great," said the bird. She quickly ran back to Clanker to get the others.  
  
"So, where are you headed?" asked Bottles.  
  
"I'm not quite sure. I have to sign some papers -- it has something to do with the passing of the Ice Cubes."  
  
"The Ice Cubes? You mean Mildred and George passed away? Kazooie never told me about that... how strange. How did they die?"  
  
"Well, I don't know. They said they've only recently found their remains. It sounds really horrible. Imagine stumbling upon a pair of eyes..."  
  
Bottles shuddered at the thought.  
  
"So you see," said Boggy, "I really have to get going now. Goodbye." The bear looked back into the igloo, then walked away, leaving it in uncertain hands. 


	18. Confidence

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN: Confidence.  
  
The region known as Spiral Mountain had quite an interesting, yet short history. Obviously named after the coiled structure in its center, this once peaceful and quaint place had been cursed with the awful image of what was once Grunty carved into its side. The silhouette of the witch had been imprinted into its soil, and the toll the land took when the minions destroyed lair and left the spiral in shambles became a symbol for her demented schemes. An overwhelmingly gloomy feeling encapsulated the area.  
  
But that feeling would disappear once the true heroes of Stop N' Swop arrived. The two eggs hobbled along, still carrying the remnants of Ice Key in their bucket as well as the spellbooks of Wumba and Mingella.  
  
"I knew we could it," said Yellow. "We're finally gonna be able to find Purple!"  
  
"Yeah, I know," said Blue. "I just can't believe that Ice Key had to be sacrificed like that. It feels so uneasy."  
  
They cautiously climbed the spiral and set the bucket down at the top.  
  
"Okay. Let's practice this now," suggested Yellow. "You read out the Levitation spell, and I'll read out the Repairing spell. Let's do it on the bridge so we can cross."  
  
Blue began: "I will not, will not -- with a goat. I will not, will not -- make it FLOAT!"  
  
The wooden footbridge slowly rose upward until it reached them.  
  
Yellow began: "Whistling Dixie, make it fixed-ee!"  
  
The bridge shuttered slightly and repaired itself, reattaching to the side of the mountain.  
  
"This is SWEET!" Blue couldn't help but say. "We're going to fix up the lair in no time!"  
  
At that moment, an unidentifiable piece of debris flew out of the entrance to the lair, hitting the side of the bucket. It wailed.  
  
Yellow caught the pail before it fell over and stared into it. The bucket opened its eyes.  
  
"Me Leaky," it spoke. "Me plenty good for water. Can egg fix owie?"  
  
Yellow examined the dent. "Doesn't look too good." He peered again into the water. "It also seems that you have a hole, but it's blocked up tightly by some kind of..."  
  
"BlueEgg," said Blue. "Some kind of ammunition. I think Cheato has spells that have to do with them."  
  
Yellow attempted to smoothen out the dent with his hand. "Can't really do much -- the Repairing spell works well with large objects. Listen, when we repair the lair, I'll find someone to fix that up for you, OK?"  
  
The beach bucket nodded.  
  
"In the meantime, do you best to hold that water," said Blue.  
  
"Leaky will," he promised.  
  
So Yellow Egg, Blue Egg, and Leaky stepped into the lair.  
  
------  
  
"C'mon folks!" said Kazooie, affronted by the chill wind at Hailfire's icy side.  
  
Quickly shuffling the moles out of the mechanical shark, the bird confronted Mumbo at the opening. "Listen," she began, "I want to make sure you're really with us on this. Are you sure you can revive Banjo?"  
  
"Mumbo been studying for past five years, need only 56 percent of bear carcass to perform spell. No big whoop."  
  
"All right. Also, I'm sorry about laughing at your, er, ailment before."  
  
The shaman hung his head. "It is big shame. Long ago, mean witch curse Mumbo with spell. Spell zap confidence into stick. No stick, no confidence," he admitted.  
  
"I see," said Kazooie slowly.  
  
With slightly puzzled expressions on their faces, the two brought the moles across the snow and over to the igloo. The kids scurried inside, with Mrs. Bottles standing at the door.  
  
"I want you to be careful," said the Mrs. "I don't want you late for a meal again." She promptly gave a soft peck to Bottles' cheek before closing the door behind her, sealing in the heat.  
  
The three were left outside to discuss.  
  
Bottles spoke. "So everything's settled. I just have one question, Kazooie. Why did you not mention Mildred and George's passing?"  
  
The Breegull's eyes widened. "Er, _passing_? Well... I hadn't, er, known about it. Ahem."  
  
The mole furrowed his brow. "Kazooie, you didn't..."  
  
The bird suddenly pointed in a random direction to change the subject. "Hey, look!"  
  
The two turned to look. Ironically, there was actually something worth watching.  
  
A furious cloud of dust appeared across the way, toward one of Wumba's old posts. Bits of yellow and white poked out of it periodically, with muffled profanity emanating from within. Two people were fighting.  
  
"That seems a bit gruesome," Bottles noted. "I wonder what they're fighting about."  
  
At that moment, a large feathery yellow thing was whacked out of the dust cloud. It was Canary Mary.  
  
"Hurf," the Breegull scoffed. "That mangy bird was bound to get into trouble."  
  
The dust cleared, and Sasquatch appeared. "Biggafoot want lunch back!"  
  
"I found it first," said Mary. "You were going to throw it out anyway. Just let me have it!"  
  
"You make fun of pretty foot," remarked the abominable snowman.  
  
"It _is_ pretty." said the yellow bird, "Pretty _big_."  
  
Biggafoot cocked his appendage back, ready to knock the stuffing out of Mary with it, when he was walloped over the head by a piece of wood. "OUCH!" he yelled, and fell over.  
  
Mumbo lowered his zapping stick. "Confidence," he muttered, rubbing the jeweled skull end.  
  
Kazooie bent down over the canary. "I believe you owe us a reward for saving you."  
  
"I don't have anymore Jiggies," replied Mary. "However, I do have a piece of parchment I've kept warm in my--"  
  
"No!" said the Breegull. "Don't tell me where it's been!" She averted her eyes.  
  
Canary Mary pulled out a scroll. "Here."  
  
Kazooie quickly aired it out before unraveling. It was a captain's log. "Hey, this is from Blackeye!"  
  
"I know," said the canary with a chuckle. "I was trying to pass as a parrot to join the Rival Fleet. They rejected me, so I got back at them by stealing their papers." She let out a laugh.  
  
The Breegull read the sheet aloud:  
  
_Captain Blackeye's Log, Thursday... I ferget tha date.  
  
- Cured meself of tha seasickness. Going to get Fleet back together an' run that bear and bird though like they've ne'er been. Bring 'em to tha Galleon. Rusty Bucket has been maintained at tha Galleon. Will use ship to replace the WINKYBUNION. Rest of ships will be fixed at tha Galleon.  
_  
"This was written two days ago," noted Kazooie. "What's this _Galleon_ he keeps referring to?"  
  
"Gloomy Galleon, of course," said Mary. "Across the sea. That's where his old vessel was going. It's where all of his ships are."  
  
He named his old ship the _Winkybunion_," said Bottles. "Why?"  
  
"After his former love," said the canary.  
  
The three stumbled back. "What in--!"  
  
"Yes, they had quite a thing back then. But Grunty's witchcraft and musical career got in the way of their relationship. It's really too bad."  
  
Still reeling in disbelief at the revelation, Mumbo spoke. "Blackeye got Banjo."  
  
"Y-yes... you're _right_," said Kazooie, staring blankly. Snapping out of it, she spoke again. "Er, yes, you're right. We have to go to Gloomy Galleon and get Banjo's body back. Let's hitch a ride over there right now!" 


	19. Squashbuckling

CHAPTER NINETEEN: Squashbuckling.  
  
Captain Ungry and the rest of the crew ate their lunch that afternoon as the Salty Hippo rocked against the waves. The cabin located in the lower deck was rather cramped and the netting did little to hold down the dishes that had been placed against the shelves, as the hippo sailors devoured their meals at the table. Ungry realized that being close to his mates ensured a tighter relationship. Hopefully, doing this would stifle any revolts that might be secretly brewing.  
  
"Aye!" said Ungry, "'tis a fine dish today, friends. Ye should thank the ol' sea Grumblins for the recipe." The bunch suddenly cheered. "Blackeye sure did strike a chord there when he convinced the fellas to mutiny against the witch. Heh heh."  
  
Blubber came down the steps to join the other hippos. "Sorry I'm late," he said rather dejectedly with a belch.  
  
"_Sorry_?" said the captain, leaning back on his chair with a fork in hand. "Why the bloody 'ell you late, anyway?"  
  
"Well..." said the hippo slowly, "the bundle broke loose, and I was trying to gather it up and--"  
  
"Broke loose? Whose job was it to secure the bundle, then? Ungry twirled the fork between his ringed fingers.  
  
"Er, Captain, it was _my_ job..."  
  
The captain stabbed the fork onto the table -- about three inches away from a sailor's hand. "Scurvy! Whassa matter with ye? Ye can't do your work properly, ye forget the protocol of the _Salty_, and you don't even take off your hat in the quarters!"  
  
Blubber quickly snatched off his tiny white sailor's cap.  
  
Ungry covered his face. "You may not want to hear this, but..." The captain looked to his mates, who were listening intently. "You are discharged. When we get to the Isles, we'll drop you off. Now go on."  
  
The hippo squeezed the hat between his hands. He took a gathered look at his friends, then went back upstairs.  
  
The crew sat frozen in front of their lunches.  
  
"What's the matter?" said the captain. "Go on, eat."  
  
The sailors did so, but with significantly less enthusiasm.  
  
"Long live the Rival Fleet," said a hippo abruptly, as if nudged to say so.  
  
"Yes, long live the--" said Ungry before a brief tremor disturbed the ship. Several plates spilled their contents onto the floor. "_Wassat_?"  
  
Blubber suddenly appeared at the stairs. "Captain! Captain! We've confronted a beast!"  
  
The hippos immediately stood from the table and gathered themselves. Ungry raised an arm. "Beast? What manner of beast?"  
  
"Not quite sure, Captain. All I could see was a large fin approaching the bow. Everyone has to get to their stations, quick!"  
  
The captain and his crew scrambled up to the deck when the beast nudged the vessel, knocking everyone off their feet. "_Hurry_!" Ungry yelled. Looking to Blubber, he spoke. "Listen up. This is your last chance to straighten up, you hear? Get to the missiles!"  
  
Blubber quickly got to the artillery. Giving the word to two other sailors, they loaded their cannons. "Aim ahead of the beast's path to lead it," he instructed. "Captain, we have the weapons armed..."  
  
"Then fire already!" said Ungry.  
  
The blasts that erupted when the missiles struck the beast were loud and true, and it nearly flipped over from the attack.  
  
"What IS that thing?" asked a crewman.  
  
"Looks like a metallic whale," said the captain. "Good job, Blubber. You may keep your role after all."  
  
The beast turned away and swam off into the horizon.  
  
------  
  
"What in Jiggywiggy's name _is_ that?" yelped Kazooie, surprised.  
  
The four of them rattled back and forth inside Clanker as the missiles hit the shark. But then, just as mysteriously, the shaking stopped.  
  
"Y'know, a good old-fashioned boat would have gotten us to the Isles quite nicely," said Canary Mary. "Riding inside a mechanical monster is not my idea of a good time."  
  
"Shut up," said Kazooie.  
  
"I think we should do something else besides fighting to pass the time," suggested Bottles.  
  
"Like what?" asked the Breegull. "Jump through multicolored hoops before a time limit?"  
  
"Not bad idea," said Mumbo.  
  
"I was being _sarcastic_, Bonestorm!"  
  
"Oh."  
  
Suddenly, Clanker seemed to slow to an unexpected halt.  
  
"Are we at Gloomy Galleon already?" asked the mole.  
  
"Don't be silly," said Mary. "We can't possibly go directly to the Galleon -- the place is packed with Blackeye's fleet. We're gonna need someone from the inside to help us out, and he usually hangs here on the weekends."  
  
The three watched as the canary gingerly walked around a puddle to get at the exit from the right flipper.  
  
"Now _there's_ someone who avoids a bath by any cost," muttered Kazooie.  
  
"But Mary, we're still underwater," Bottles reasoned. "We can't get out now."  
  
"Come with me" was her only response.  
  
The others followed her to the exit, and realized the metal fish had attached onto another vessel, providing safe passage.  
  
They entered. 


	20. Clubbed

CHAPTER TWENTY: Clubbed.

The thick sounds of electronic music filled their ears. Strobe lights filtered though the dance floor, flickering to the beat of the songs. Several species of small furry animals gathered together in a rave, grooving with a pig at the turntables as the pulse pounded relentlessly throughout the club.

Mumbo covered the sides of his skull. "This worse than hangover!"

"What asked Kazooie over the din.

"Over here!" said Canary Mary. "He usually sits over at this side."

"Wha?" yelled Bottles.

Mary motioned with her wing. The others managed to get the message and got behind her.

"This can't be good for the ear drums," said Bottles, nearly bumping into a red echidna. "I imagine the Mrs. has done quite enough damage to them already."

"Huh?" said Kazooie, deftly steering clear of what appeared to be a Tasmanian tiger.

"Wait, here he is!" said the canary.

Sitting before them, wearing retro disco clothes and a gold chain, was Snide the Weasel. Accompanied by two lady weasels, he had the biggest grin in the room.

"Er, Snide?" said Mary.

His smile instantly dropped as he saw the yellow bird. "I _told _you, call me 'Vin' when I'm at the club."

"Sorry. It's just that my friends here need some help infiltrating the Rival Fleet."

The lady weasels gasped.

Kazooie muttered, "Since when are we the canary's friends?"

"Listen," said Snide, "Weekends are Vin's party times. Snide's expertise will not be available until Monday, so you can come back then."

"I guess you didn't _hear_ me, 'Vin'," said Mary, her voice rising. "I said RIVAL FLEET. The Rival Fleet you used to work for -- remember? The Rival Fleet that's after your head for running away with thousands of doubloons worth of jet fuel, huh, Vin? The Rival Fleet that--"

"All right, all right. I get the picture," said Snide. "So, what can we do to help each other?"

"Oh, that's simple," said Kazooie. "Just figure out a way for us to get Banjo's body back, and we'll take care of that mean Ol' Blackeye for you. Deal?"

The weasel scratched the back of his neck. "You think you can take on Blackeye's Fleet with no one but that honey-eating sack of fur by your side? I've never heard anything so ridiculous!"

The two lady weasels giggled.

"Actually, I've got two others to even things out right here," said the Breegull.

Just then, Mumbo and Bottles, who were at either side of her, backed away a step.

"I take it they're not too confident in your plan," said Snide. "He got up. "Look, it's going to take a while before I can get you what you need. So enjoy yourselves in the meanwhile, because it's a rough road ahead for all of us." With that, he strolled off with the two gals.

"I can't believe this," said Kazooie.

"Huh?" yelled Mumbo.

------

Klunty's old lair was a wreck. A big wreck, at that. Once housing nine independent and highly various ecosystems, the interconnected caverns were where Banjo and Kazooie had once trotted through, snatching varied golden objects and placing them where needed. It was a long and arduous quest for the bird and bear, even though their proceeding adventure would seem much longer. Only the main room was accessible, which was where Cheato the spellbook resided.

Until Klunty herself came.

Limping uneasily in her relatively new body, the hideous witch entered the lair just moments earlier with one goal in her mind: to completely obliterate Cheato beyond recognition.

"Well, well," began Klunty, "Banjo and Kazooie helped fix you back together, eh? I guess it's the _fire_ for you!" She lunged at the book, but it dived out of the way.

"Avoid mean witch's grab Cheato has," said the book. "Roast on open fire Cheato will not."

"You think you're pretty smart?" said the witch. "You want to play it rough, is that it?" She briskly rubbed her enormously large and slimy hands together. "Time for a more aggressive approach..." Immediately Klunty formed a blindly bright green glow between her palms. "This time I will not fail!"

A loud, siren-like sound emitted from the spell she created, signaling it was heat seeking. Finally, the witch let it loose and it began to trail Cheato as it flew around the room.

The spellbook was nearly a half a foot away from it when he made a quick dodge behind and around Klunty.

"What are you--" uttered the witch before the spell hit the witch and knocked her off her feet. She spun, making three honeycombs fall out of her black labcoat. "ERRRGH!" she yelled as she hopped back up, pounding the ground with her fist. Then, she used a more tried-and-true approach.

"Not like this Cheato does," he said as Klunty started to toss flask after flask of chemicals at him. The witch then turned invisible and ran around the room. Completely bewildered, the book stopped flying for a moment. Big mistake.

Before he could speak with bad grammar again, Cheato was clubbed with great might out of the lair.

Outside, Yellow Egg, and Blue Egg had just repaired the bridge leading into the giant sculptured head.

"This is SWEET!" Blue couldn't help but say. "We're going to fix up the lair in no time!"

At that moment Cheato flew out of the entrance to the lair, hitting the side of the bucket. It wailed.

The spellbook continued the tumble down the spiral and eventually landed in the stream.

"What in--?" said a certain goldfish as Cheato began to pulpify.

The book tried to flap himself out of the water, but the weight of the liquid it absorbed made him too heavy to fly. Pathetically, he drifted down the stream, unable to save himself. Looking up at the entrance to the lair, he could see Yellow, Blue, and a bucket about to walk inside. "_No_! _In there Klunty is_!" Cheato yelled, but it was too late.

Yellow Egg, Blue Egg, and Leaky stepped into the lair.


	21. Getting Down

CHAPTER TWENTY ONE: Getting Down.

Kazooie opened her eyes -- though she never recalled closing them. Sitting up, she realized she had been reclined on the pig DJ's turntables. Everything from the edge of her talons to the tips of her wings ached.

Now changed back into his blue denim overalls, Snide walked up to the Breegull. "Are you all right?"

The bird groaned, "What...I..."

"You're quite the party animal," remarked the weasel.

She stood up. The club had apparently been deserted for quite a while. The lights no longer strobed.

"Very good on your talons too, I might add."

"But... I don't remember a thing!"

"_Whoa_. I didn't think you were THAT out of it..." The weasel gestured towards the storage room.

There awaited the mole, shaman, and canary.

"Breegull really let all hang out," noted Mumbo.

"I'm pretty sure I never taught you those moves," said Bottles. "I don't teach forbidden stuff."

"You really got your freak on at the dance floor," added Mary.

"Quiet, all of you!" said a slightly embarrassed Kazooie,

"You quite done?" asked Snide. He placed the briefcase he was holding onto a table.

"What'cha got there?" asked the Breegull.

The weasel opened the case. Inside were large framed floormaps of a tall monolith. The drawings of it made it look like a giant cola bottle, only more cylindrical.

"This, my fellow adventurers, is Blackeye's fortress. It's located where a big lighthouse once stood over at Gloomy Galleon. He has his ships docked there, near one of my old posts. Anyways, Banjo's remains are locked away in a safe near the top. They're well guarded."

"Good work, rodent!" said Kazooie. "Now, we just fight a couple of guards and we've got the bear back."

"Er, I don't think it's going to be that easy," said Mary, pointing at a specific area on the map. "What kind of safe is that?"

"Exactly what I was getting at," said Snide. "This is no ordinary vault. It won't open with lockpicks, detonation, of even run-of-the-mill keys."

"So how does it open?" asked Bottles.

"With a Jiggy."

The four stared.

"Yeah. Apparently the safe was an old contraption built by master Jiggywiggy ages ago. Blackeye discovered it in the deep, wide open as I recall. He never found the key for it though, which was the thing he'd been searching for in the first place: the Platinum Jiggy."

"A jigsaw piece made of platinum?" asked the mole.

"No, a metal hamburger!" said Kazooie sarcastically.

"Anyways, until we get our hands on that Jiggy, there's no way we can open the safe," the weasel concluded.

"But Snide," spoke Mary, "Couldn't we just build a Platinum Jiggy?"

"Sure," he said, "If you just happen to have a cubic foot of one of the world's rarest minerals lying around."

"This is hopeless," uttered the Breegull. "Why is it the most impossible obstacles keep us away from the simplest goals?"

"I hear ya," said Snide. "Imagine having to put 50 pieces of a blueprint together just to delay the firing of a large laser cannon by about 45 minutes."

The four stared.

"Let's just get to the surface, okay?" said the weasel.

"_Surface_?" said Kazooie "I thought we were underwater."

"The club is a submersible only on weekends."

"Yeah, so?"

"Well... today is Monday."

The walls around the Breegull spun.

"I... I was out for _that long_?"

"Weird, huh?" said Bottles.


	22. The Challenge

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO: The Challenge.

The Aqua Club lay gently over the water just outside the docking bay into the Gloomy Galleon. The tablet-shaped vessel wasn't terribly ornate from the outside, since it was rarely seen from that view when partiers came aboard. This also helped to keep a relative anonymity as it floated unsettlingly close to the presence of the Rival Fleet's yet unfinished ships -- the Grumblina and the Sandy Shanty.

"Right this way," motioned Snide as the group climbed out of the vessel and onto a tiny patch of land that housed a wooden shack.

"Welcome to Snide's Headquarters," he said. "Center of all semi-legal and top secret operations in the DK Isles."

"Spare me the intro," spoke Kazooie.

Inside, the four took turns admiring the weasel's unusual assortment of contraptions and devices strewn about the place.

"Feel free to make yourselves as comfortable as you like," suggested Snide.

Mumbo took heed, sitting on what appeared to be an upturned wooden bucket.

"Whoa, whoa! Don't sit on--"

But it was too late. Whatever the shaman had chosen to rest on activated a swinging hammer, nearly taking off Canary Mary's head but hitting a large red button instead.

"Uh oh," said the weasel.

An oversized horseshoe magnet popped out of a slot in the wall, almost poking Kazooie's eyes out. It continued its journey across the room. As the Breegull ducked, the magnet managed to stick to an iron hatch behind her. Finally, the combined weight of the magnet and hatch caused it to flip open, revealing what was inside.

Nothing.

Kazooie gave a bemused clap. "Bravo."

Snide frowned. "It used to be a real neat way of giving out special items after trade offers were made, okay?"

They looked away.

"Anyways," Snide began, "I'll try to get agents on the lookout for platinum resources as they pop up. Beyond that, there isn't anything more I can do."

"Great," said Kazooie defeatedly. "Where are we going to sleep, anyway?"

"There's always the club," said Mary. "Snide here is gonna give the engine a once-over anyway, right?"

"Well, yeah," said the weasel. "I have to tune it up after every weekend. Y'know, to make sure it runs smoothly."

The Breegull seemed uninterested in all of this. "Er, no. I think I've slept there enough, thank you. How 'bout a hotel?"

"The Hotel Mario?"

"_No_," said the four.

"Well, then there's always Candy's place. She's renovated her living space to rent out rooms." He reached in his pocket and pulled out a pen. "Anybody got a piece of paper?"

"Oh, sure," said Mary. "There's an old sheet I've stuffed in my--"

"Whoa!" Snide interrupted. "I don't need to hear all the details. Just give it to me."

The canary pulled out a yellowed flier. The weasel reached for a pair of tongs with extenders and clutched the note, not moving a step closer to Mary.

"Here's the address," he said, writing it down. "There should be at least two vacancies available and--" He stopped.

"What is it?" asked Kazooie.

"Er, Mary?" said the weasel. "How long have you been carrying this flier?"

"Three weeks, maybe," said the canary.

"So you couldn't have informed us of this?" He held up the flier:

_::DK Valley Kart Racing Challenge::_

_-Come one, come all! In anniversary of the evil Wizpig's defeat, DK Corps invites you to participate in the Isle's newest racing event! Race against time and other contestants for the coveted PLATINUM BALLOON TROPHY. Refreshments available._

Mumbo and Bottles were stunned. Mary opened her mouth to speak, but her tongue kept getting in the way.

"Don't _tell_ me you forgot to mention a way we could obtain some platinum quickly and efficiently," said Kazooie.

Snide looked back to the flier. "Hmm. It looks like we haven't missed it. Good. One or more of you should enter the race."

"That should set you right," said Mary awkwardly.

"But I'm not _good_ at kart racing!" said the Breegull. "I mean, Banjo said he was good at that when we first met, but--"

"Look," said Snide. "You want Banjo back, right? But we need that key, right? I will build you that key, but first I need the platinum from that balloon that we can get very easily by having you enter and win this kart racing contest. Got it?"

"Yeah, but--"

"No buts. You want Banjo? This is the to get him."

"But Snide," said Mary, "look at the date on this flier.

The weasel suddenly realized how close he stood to the canary. "Whoa!" He backed away a step, and looked again at the ad. "Crud."

"What is it?" asked Kazooie.

He showed the flier to them again, pointing out the date. "The race starts later today. The contestants have already been picked."

"Mumbo hate twists," he said.

"Maybe we should ask if we can join in as late additions," suggested Bottles.

"Oh, and maybe we can stroll right up to whoever it is that's hosting the race and just swipe the trophy," said the Breegull. "Cuz it's always just that _simple_!"

"_Now_ I understand why my cousin never finished building that sarcasm detector," muttered Snide.


	23. Opponents

CHAPTER TWENTY THREE: Opponents.

Kluntilda the witch couldn't stop cackling. She had just gotten rid of one of the lesser pains in her side: that little spellbook of hers, Cheato. She had finally won, and though it was tiny triumph, the effect it had on her esteem was indeed great.

Then two eggs and a bucket entered.

"Mumbo's mountain is just--" Blue began, but stopped.

"What were you saying?" asked Yellow, but then found out what had caught his attention.

"Hello, my dairy friends!" said Klunty. "It seems fate is pretty efficient nowadays!" She reached for the eggs, but they swerved out of the way.

"Not so fast!" said Yellow. "We're not yours to shove into random secreted places anymore. We're going to get Purple back, and there is nothing you can do about it."

An evil grin spread across Klunty's face. "How about this?" A spark flitted in her palm, turning into a huge fireball.

The eggs had only a split second to act. Before they could do anything else, Yellow and Blue instinctively tossed the bucket of water they were carrying at the witch.

"Augh!" cried Klunty. "My face! My horrible, horrible face! AUUUGH!"

The secret items stood speechless. Of all the things Banjo and Kazooie had done to try and defeat Klunty, all it took was a little enchanted water.

The witch stumbled out of the lair, desperately trying to hold her liquefying face together as she left.

Yellow slowly pulled his thoughts together, "So... THAT'S what happened back then."

"Excuse me?" said Blue.

"Er, before, at Cauldron's Keep," Yellow explained, "when Mingella had attacked us. She fired a spell that destroyed Ice Key, sending lethal water vapor everywhere. There wasn't a bit of her left."

"Yes, I understand. So if we can get enough, we could--"

"Oh no, but -- Ice Key!" Yellow realized.

The eggs lowered their heads. "You've saved us again, Key, even in death."

They gathered the last few puddlets into the bucket. "We ought to build a memorial in his name after we repair the lair," said Blue.

But the eggs realized something.

"Where's Cheato?"

------

"Steady!" said Taj the elephant as he approached the assembled multitude. "You have all gathered for the kart race, yes?" he began.

The crowd roared in agreement.

"Very good. Very, very good," replied Taj. "But before we begin, a word from our guest speaker."

The tall Captain Blackeye had wobbled up to the microphone.

"Ahem. As ye all know, several years ago, a big ol' snout by th' name o' Wizpiggian the Third came down to destroy DK valley and all of its fuel deposi--" He caught himself. "Er, healthy citizens. If were not fer th' brave deeds o' Diddy, Krunch, Drumstick, Pipsy -- heck, even T.T. -- we wouldna be standin here now. That's all I have to say about that."

The crowd cheered as Blackeye walked off, muttering obscenities to himself.

Elsewhere, Kazooie, Bottles and Mumbo had sneaked into the kart pit, where the vehicles were being tuned up.

"Okay," the bird began, "All we have to do is switch places with one of the racers and we're in."

"But what if the judges or the other contestants recognize us?" asked the mole.

"We'll just have to--" but then a tire bounced off the Breegull's head. "Uh... as I was saying, I--" Another tire bounced off her head. "What IS you problem?" she yelled, turning to the thrower.

"Oh, I'm sorry," said the otter with another tire ready in his hands. "I'm bumper!"

Kazooie rolled her eyes.

"I thought you were part of the pit crew," said Bumper. "Sorry again."

Mumbo suddenly looked to Bottles, and then to Bumper. Then to the mole, then back to the otter. Bottles. Bumper.

"Mumbo have idea."

"Gentlemen, ladies," said Taj, brimming with excitement. "As the contestants get to their marks, I would like to present to you all the trophy of this year's DK Valley Kart Racing Challenge!"

The crowd gasped in disbelief as the solid platinum balloon was unveiled.

"Yes, that is one hundred percent pure platinum. Neat, eh?"

Back at the start line, Blackeye searched left and right. "Where is that runt Bumper?"

"Here I am!" yelled what appeared to be the slicked-down otter.

"Oh, good," said the captain. "I thought ye cowarded out or somethin'."

"No, I'm right here," he said.

"Say... Your voice seems a bit jumpy," Blackeye noticed. "An' didn't you have some accent?"

"No," said Bottles disguised as Bumper, "I didn't."

"Ne'er mind that," he said. "You know th' plan: get first place an' we split th' balloon square even."

"Y--yes, sir," said the mole. He walked over to his assigned kart and hopped in.

"Oh, an' Bumper," said the captain, "Nice backpack. Very stylish, that."

"Okay fellows," said Taj. "Ready to your marks!"

Bottles adjusted his glasses under his strapped-on wind visor.

"Has the race started yet?" asked Kazooie's muffled voice from within the backpack.

"Just a few seconds," responded the mole.

Taj cleared his throat. "Ready? Three... Two... One... GO!"


	24. The Race

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR: The Race.

The karts kicked up tons of dirt as they sped off down the valley. Bottles had managed to break an early lead, but the other, more experienced drivers eventually overcame him.

"Nice one, _Dumper_!" yelled Tiptup, cutting ahead.

The road suddenly funneled inward as the path went under a tunnel.

"Watch out!" said an unfamiliar lady bat with cleavage when she suddenly began to spin out, sideswiping the mole's kart.

"Whoa!" Bottles shouted, desperately trying to avoid smashing into the wall just to the right of the tunnel entrance.

Darkness swept over the racers as they drove into the opening.

The mole fiddled with buttons and knobs. "Where is the switch for the headlights?"

"Since when do karts even HAVE headlights?" questioned Kazooie.

They were switched on just in time to see racers spilling tacks ahead of them.

"Great, _cheaters_!" Bottles punched the dashboard in frustration. Suddenly a magnet pushed out of a compartment behind the license plate of his kart, attracting the tacks to it and off the road.

"Guess they're not the only cheaters," said the feathered one, poking her head out from inside the backpack.

The contestants had cleared the tunnel. A series of hills and mounds lay before them.

"Yay, a minefield!" yipped a mouse who seemed to be Pipsy's masochistic little brother.

"Minefield?" said the mole. "What kind of race _is_ this?"

"A kind where one of the largest known pieces of platinum is up for grabs?" suggested Kazooie.

Bottles tightened the strap on his visor. "Then away we go." The mole cut off two of the racers and nudged a third. "Nice day, isn't it?" he asked the driver.

"Why, yes it is," said Krinch, Krunch's older cousin. It distracted the kremling just enough for him not to realize he was running over a mine.

Boom.

"I'm staring to like this side of you," said the impressed bird.

Bottles became a force to be reckoned with as he caught the lead. Unfortunately, Tiptup gained speed and began to tail the mole.

"Where do you think your heading?" asked the turtle. "I've got 162 little girls at home who are waiting for their precious metal bracelets!" He readied his homing missiles.

Bottles looked back to the dashboard. "Let's see what _this_ does." He pressed a button shaped like a lightning bolt.

An electrical beam shot out from the behind the kart, striking the missiles before they could be launched.

Tiptup's pupils shrunk to pinpoints. "Doody..."

The resulting flaming tires soared out in two directions, activating nearby mines.

Bottles and Kazooie roared in front, blazing past the smoke screen. "We're unstoppable!" exclaimed the Breegull as they started crossing the bridge to the finish.

But as they were halfway across, she realized she had spoken too soon.

A shadow suddenly rose up from under the bridge, where it had been waiting. The figure swooped low on its broom as it came into view.

"No way!" yelped Bottles. "It can't be."

"But it is," Kazooie insisted.

It was Squinty.

"Well, guess who thinks he's gonna win the trophy!" said the evil mole. "You always were my underdog."

Bottles leaned hard on the gas.

"Hit him with everything you've got!" urged the Breegull. "What are you waiting for?"

"I… I can't hurt family," admitted the mole.

"Not so fast, Bumper!" said Squinty. "You can't possibly think I'm going to let you win this race to help Blackeye, do you?" A bright orb expanded in his hand. "Especially when I do this?" He tossed the spell at the section of bridge ahead of them.

The path exploded on impact, cracking open an impassible gap between them and the finish line.

"Oh no!" yelled Bottles. "What do we do now?"

"Losing stamina, eh?" said the bird. "Just keep flooring it!"

"What?"

"Do it!"

The space between the kart and the unbelievable gap became smaller and smaller as Squinty became perplexed. "Death by heights ain't a good thing," he said with a cackle. "You can trust me on that."

Closer and closer the kart sped. "I hope you've got something in mind," said Bottles. Mere inches away from the cliff edge, he closed his eyes.

It felt like a dream.

A soft flutter filled the mole's ears. The harsh grinding of the tires fell away, and the engine subsequently stalled out.

He opened his eyes.

Kazooie was fiercely flapping her wings, keeping the kart in the air as it soared over to the other end of the bridge.

"Y--you're a genius!" gasped the mole.

"No sweat," wheezed the bird, struggling to keep the vehicle up. "I'm –pant- sorry, Bottles, but--" and she spat out a fire egg towards the completely befuddled Squinty.

It was a direct hit, setting the evil mole's broom afire. He quickly dived under the bridge and out of sight.

As the kart landed safely onto the other side, the engine suddenly came back to life, and Bottles hit the gas.

"I see them!" uttered Taj, peering through binoculars as the mole's vehicle approached the finish line. "Yes, yes… It is Bumper! What a large lead he has! I do not even see the other racers!"

The crowd erupted with delight as Bottles slowed and finally stalled out again when he crossed the finish.

"Congratulations! Bumper has won the DK Valley Kart Racing Challenge!"


	25. Assets

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE: Assets.

"For the last time," said Pawno, "we cannot and _will_ not purchase defective merchandise. Yeah. Sir, I don't _care_ if it's the original buggy Game Pak that lets you go windsurfing with the hookshot! The next time you call, try to find something not broken to sell." With that, he hung up the phone.

The rat had moved his business out of Jolly Roger Lagoon and into a semi-secluded area in the outskirts of the Isle o' Hags. He certainly wasn't one to stand around losing money during a recession. A wind variety of doodads, jewelry and electronic equipment hung from the walls of his shop, each destined for a new owner. But as they say, pawning ain't easy.

The bell attached to the top of his door jingled as two patrons stepped in.

"Hey there," greeted Pawno. "What can I do ya for?"

"We are looking for a particular item," one of them said. "A book."

"We don't carry many books," the rat reasoned. "There ain't exactly a lot of literary folks living here."

"It's a book of spells," said the other patron. "It once belonged to the witch formerly known as Gruntilda."

"Oh, yes, yes." Pawno tapped his palm on the counter nervously. "Got it just this morning, real cheap too. But I'm not interested in selling it."

"Why not?" asked the first one.

"Are you kidding? I currently own the spellbook of THE most feared witch in the entire Isle! This is a one of a kind collectible -- despite its heavy water damage."

"We were really hoping you would part with it," said the second one.

"Well sorry, I won't. Who are you guys, anyway?"

The first one took off his sunglasses. "I'm Yellow Egg."

The second also revealed himself. "I'm Blue Egg. How do you do?"

Pawno choked on his saliva. "COFF! Oh, ahem, excuse me. I didn't recognize you guys."

"We're kinda laying low for a while," explained Yellow. "Klunty and her drones are after us."

"Yeah," said Blue. "It's not really safe for two brightly colored eggs to go out in the daylight when a mob is after them."

"Of course," the rat understood. "I suppose getting the spellbook back has something to do with finding your lost friends?"

"_Friend_," corrected Yellow. "There's only Purple left."

"That sad to hear," said the shop owner. "Tell ya what: you give me whatever you have now, and we'll trade."

Blue looked to Yellow, and Yellow to Blue. They couldn't possibly trade either of their books, so there was only one option. "Take this."

Leaky was handed over to the rat. "A bucket?" he asked. "What am I going to do with _that_?"

"Look inside," suggested Yellow.

So he did. "My word!" He began to slosh the fluid it held around a bit. "Is this what I _think_ it is?"

"Yes," said Leaky suddenly.

"Corr..." Pawno dipped his claw into the liquid. "Enchanted water! Do you know how many people still search for this stuff?" He touched a bit of it to his lips. "Where did you guys find it?"

Then the eggs explained the earlier incident with Ice Key.

He quickly spat the residue onto the floor. "Yuck! You guys could have said something sooner, you know."

"That's the thing," said Blue. "If you could figure out a way to synthesize the water, not only would you have an infinite supply to keep and sell, but we could also reassemble Ice Key."

"Mm-hmm. I know someone who could replicate this stuff in large enough quantities. He'd be surprised at how much of a sample he'd have to work with. Yow."

"So we have a deal then?"

"Sure." He stomped his claw down on the counter. The cash register drawer promptly jutted out, nailing the rat in the gut. "Oof!"

"You really should get around to fixing that," said Yellow.

------

Snide's phone rang. "Yo?"

"Hey, this is you-know-who."

"You mean Pawno?"

"I _told_ you not to use my name over the phone!"

"Hey, I think I deserve a little more respect than that, since I'm the one _paying_ for this long-distance call."

"Oh really? You feel proud of all the dirty money you've got? Well, _some_ of us try to earn their keep legitimately, Snide."

"I don't seem to recall that selling ripped pages from spellbooks was a legitimate business."

"Ah. Actually, that's what I wanted to call you about."

"What do you mean?"

"I had purchased the witch's book -- complete and intact -- off of some guy, and later that day Yellow and Blue cot him back. Guess what I got in return?"

"I don't know."

"Magic H2O."

"Whoa."

"I also have to send you the pail it was carried in so you can fix it. No biggie."

"Yeah, yeah. Now you send me a sample of that, all right?"

"All right."

"I'll be busy melting down this balloon trophy I've got here. Try not to call back _too_ soon."


	26. The Fortress

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX: The Fortress.

The moon had been obscured by thick clouds that night while the waves crashed against Blackeye's monolith. The Fleet's ships had all moved out of the place to who-knows-where, leaving it surprisingly vacant. The Galleon seemed gloomier than ever.

"All right, we're here," spoke Kazooie. "Let's make sure we've got our plan set up properly."

"You mean the plan where we run like fools and get to the safe?" asked Mary.

"No, it's a bit more complicated than that," said the Breegull.

"I think she's right," added Bottles.

"Of course I am!" she said. "We can't just go in there expecting to catch them by surprise." She looked up at the large structure. "Here's what we do: You see that window up there?"

They nodded.

"Well, Mary and I will fly up to that while fur-brain and skull-head make their way in through the lower floors. Hopefully we'll meet somewhere in the middle, eliminating any resistance we meet. That sound all right?"

Mumbo rubbed his skull in confusion. "Who carry Jiggy?"

The mole spoke. "I don't think the birds can carry that up there. So I've got it here." He tugged at the straps of his orange backpack.

"Okay then," said Mary. "Let's do this thing!"

The birds flapped up to a considerable height, and Kazooie spat a Blue Egg at the glass. She had managed to break it open without making too much of a noise.

Mumbo peered up towards the top of the fortress. It seemed to go on through the clouds, into infinity. "Mama!"

"Let's go," insisted Bottles.

Elsewhere, Kazooie and Mary had found themselves in a dank storage room filled with rancid meats.

"What, they never heard of a freezer?" asked the canary.

"Probably some pirate superstition," assured the Breegull. "Let's get out of here."

They made it out to an immense circular hallway. "You go left, I go right," suggested Kazooie.

Mary began trotting to the right.

"No, I said left!"

"Oops." She walked the other way.

The Breegull started down the corridor, feeling strangely lonely. She was starting to forget what it felt like to carry a 400 pound bear on her back. It had somehow been a pleasure.

After a while, she saw someone huddled by a door. "Who's there?" she yelled.

"Kazooie?" said the voice.

"Aw geez," said the Breegull as she realized who it was.

"What did you expect?" asked Canary Mary. "The hallway is circular."

"No, nothing. I just thought you looked like -- never mind." She took a breath. "Let's just stick together, all right?"

PURRRT.

"I guess I'll take that as a 'yes'."

"Um, that wasn't me."

The obscene noise fired once more.

Kazooie frowned. "Man, someone needs more fiber in their diet."

The sounds were coming from a room two doors down from where they stood. They had found the source: a restroom marked "LADS".

"Let's go in," prompted the Breegull.

"What?" said Mary. "In the Men's Room?"

Kazooie rolled her eyes, then pushed the door open.

"WA-HAY!" said the bathroom's sole inhabitant.

The birds instantly covered their eyes.

"Hey, Kazooie!" said the inhabitant. "Don't you remember me?"

She peeked through her feathers. "Oh. Hi, Loggo."

The toilet made a deep noise in greeting. "Sorry for making all that racket. I've been moved around so much, it's starting to get difficult doing my one important job."

Mary began to gag.

The Breegull couldn't believe the irony. "What better place to throw up?" She motioned to the bowl with gusto.

The canary swallowed. "No, no, I'll be all right..."

"Really?" she said. "Well, you should always practice for the day you might become a mother."

Mary gave a sarcastic smirk.

"So Loggo," Kazooie began, "How do we get to the upper floors in this place?"

"Easy," he said. "Turn around, go up three doors, and take the stairs."

"That was helpful," remarked the canary, clutching her gut.

"Just make sure you don't enter the room filled with carcasses," the toilet warned.

"Why not?" asked Kazooie.

"All that rancid meat's the reason I've been clogged up for the past few months. The plumbers were in it up to their knees..."

It was then that Mary finally lost her lunch.

The pipes carried out the substance, rattling behind Mumbo's skull as he began to crawl out from inside a duct. Bottles did his best to bring up the rear.

They appeared to be in a gargantuan space filled with nothing but scrap metal.

"What in the world...?" uttered the mole. "Why would Blackeye need a place like this?"

"How would Mumbo know?" he argued, staring at what loomed before them.

A rusted and heavily damaged shell of a hull lay upside-down, revealing its corroded underside. The logo on the back was practically unreadable, but the two could figure out it once said.

"The Winkybunion!" said Bottles.

"Quite right," said a small shape hopping out of one of the many cracks in the ship.

Mumbo readied his zapping stick. "Who there?"

The figure walked towards them. "I suppose we haven't introduced ourselves. I'm a Jinjo."

"I see that now," said the mole.

"Nice meeting you," he replied. "As you no doubt have guessed, I am now a drone of Kluntilda Winkybunion."

"Shaman thought so."

"So am I," said another Jinjo, stepping out from under the hull.

"Why am I not liking the look of this?" asked Bottles.

They continued to exit the Winkybunion. Some came out of portholes, others from behind the ship, and thus did more and more of them appear until they had filled the floor.

"Lordy!" said Mumbo.

Swiftly, the Crazy 888 Jinjos began their attack.


	27. Cutting Ahead

CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN: Cutting Ahead.

A flock of yellow dive-bombed in the direction of Bottles. "Yah!" he yelped, but the evil Jinjos stopped right in their tracks by a stunning spell.

Mumbo twirled his stick around like a six-shooter. "Mole all right?"

Bottles nodded awkwardly.

A group of greens slowly surrounded the two as one of them spoke. "We know you have the Jiggy."

"How could you possibly know that?" asked the mole.

"Because it's sticking out of your backpack."

"Darn."

The greens let out a shrill whistle as they soared towards them.

Bottles quickly turned his back to them, cowering in fear. Fortunately, three of the Jinjos' heads slammed directly into the platinum and were knocked out.

"Good thinking," said Mumbo. He kneeled, powered up his zapping stick and then spun, sending waves of energy at the enemies.

A third of them were now down for the count.

"Where'd you learn that?" asked the mole.

"Mumbo pick up from video game," he responded. But while he was caught up in pride, one of the Jinjos had managed to sneak an attack from behind. "Ulp!" he yelled, and landed in a heap of rusted pilings.

A stray red decided to sail toward the felled witch doctor. But as the Jinjo reached him, Mumbo swiftly got up and batted him away with a discarded pole he found.

"Enough toying around!" said one of the reds, quickly building momentum. Individual glowing lights flickered on throughout the place. "Strike!"

The remaining 592 simultaneously tossed their spells at the mole and shaman.

The sheer force was unequal to anything Mumbo had ever experienced. When divided, the power of each individual Jinjo was enough to level a one-story house. But when combined, it had the ability to take down the fortress itself.

Yet somehow the shaman had the strength to absorb most of it in his stick. "UNGH!" The wand shook violently in his fist; the color had all but drained from his hand. He could no longer take the stress.

He finally deflected the energy back onto the Jinjo army, instantly wiping them out.

Bottles got up from his crouched position. He was speechless.

Mumbo looked to his hand, at the pile of ash that had once been his stick. "No... Confidence now gone!"

"Keep it together!" Kazooie demanded, grasping Mary's shoulder. "It's only about 30 more floors."

The canary and Breegull had taken the phrase "flights of stairs" literally, and had flown their way up the corridors. But Mary just about had enough.

"Boy, are my wings killing me!" she said. Her plea sounded more like a punchline than anything else.

"Oh, come on," said the Breegull. "You flapped your way from the coal mines to Cloud Cuckooland without even taking a break! You nearly beat us in that race of yours up there, too."

"Hey, yeah. Y'know, when you get Banjo back, maybe we could give it another go."

"But you don't have anything to give me."

"I didn't say you'd _win_..." She grinned.

At that point they had reached the top of the stairs, but realized they were nowhere near the top of the fortress.

"That's a helluva thing," said Mary.

The two took the door out expecting to enter another circular hall, only to gasp in disbelief at what they saw instead.

They had positioned themselves on a thin ledge that stuck out over a bottomless pit. A door appeared at the other end of the abyss, and another to the left of it, under a low ceiling.

"My...!" said the canary. "If I weren't a bird, I'd be crapping myself right about now."

On that note, Mumbo and Bottles entered across the way.

"Yaaaaaah!" the shaman cried. "Mumbo not want to fall!"

"Oh, shush!" demanded the mole. "Hey, Kazooie! Over here!"

"No," said the Breegull, "Kazooie over _here_!"

"Heh," said Mary. "What's up with that guy, anyway? He's all hysterical."

"He's got this thing with his stick," Bottles tried to explain, "and, well -- never mind. Could we get a lift, please?"

The canary and Breegull flew over to the others, clutching the two in their talons and carrying them over to the third door.

They then entered a room that was eerily silent, as if it were soundproofed. There was hole with view overlooking the Galleon off to the right, and to the left, set into the stone wall, was an image that made the canary start to gag again.

"Good lord!" said Kazooie.

"My god!" said Bottles.

"Gack!" choked Mary.

"Wowza!" said Mumbo, finishing off the exclamations.

It was the disembodied head of Klungo.


	28. Presentations

CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT: Presentations.

For a while, no one said anything.

"Yessssss?" he said, finally breaking the silence.

The shaman collapsed with fear.

"Oh, come on!" said the smarmy bird. "It's just a head in a jar."

"Klungo not sssssscary," he insisted. "Iss ssstupid for helping witch, though."

"True, true," Mary confirmed. "Bringing her back must have seemed like a real nice thing to do at the time, but... I mean, look at you now."

"Yeah, I know," said Klungo.

"Er, you forgot to say something with an 's' sound," Kazooie reminded him.

"Oopsss. Ssssssorry." He then motioned toward the ceiling. "Klungo will help friendsss ssssssave bear."

"You mean you can get us up to the safe?" asked Bottles.

"Yessssss, but--" He put on his reading glasses with his tongue-- "Firssst mussst sssolve trivia questionsss."

"Aw, man!" cried Kazooie. "Not again! These have really gone downhill since the first game."

"No worry, only three questionsss thisss time." He cleared his throat. "Firssst quessstion: name two folksss who wasss at JinjoBowl game besssides you and Banjo."

The Breegull answered quickly. "Oh, that's easy. Tooty and Brentilda were there, up in the seats."

"Correct anssswer. Sssecond quessstion: who kill Mildred and George Ice Cubesss?"

The mole looked immediately to the red bird.

"What!" she said. "Okay, okay. I did it, and it felt good too."

"Bird make me ssssssick!" he said, scowling at her. "But here iss final quessstion." He checked his notes to make sure he got the wording right. "Ahem, okay. What iss name of goldfisssh character?"

"You mean the one Mumbo almost grilled?" said Bottles. "Wait, I know this..."

"Don't look at me," said the canary.

The Breegull tried hard to remember. "It had some kind of double meaning, I think."

The shaman started to mumble incoherently.

"Hey, I think he's trying to say something!" said Mary.

"Leave him," said Kazooie. "He's useless to us now."

The canary leaned close to him, taking in his words.

"Time iss running sssssshort," Klungo notified.

"What happens if we can't figure it out in time?" asked the mole.

"Playersss get second prize: free tripsss to Isle Delfino."

"Sounds nice!" the Breegull admitted.

"Kazooie!" yelled Bottles.

"What! Oh, yeah... Banjo..."

Klungo checked his stopwatch. "Sssix ssseconds left. 5... 4... 3... 2..."

"Roysten!" shouted Mary.

"Hurrr... Bird iss correct. How did you guessssss?"

She looked to the fallen Mumbo. "He whispered it to me."

"How convenient," said Kazooie. "Now Klungo, do your stuff!"

A section of wall shifted to the side, unveiling a lift built into the stone.

"That's our ride," said Bottles. "So, we're finally going to do it, huh?"

"Of course," said the Breegull. "Don't you hear the trumpets flaring up?"

"Yeah," said the Mole. "I always thought that was a little over-dramatic, though."

So after getting the shaman up to his feet, the group entered the shaft, rising up to the safe where Banjo's remains lay waiting...

_just64helpin Presents_

_A Rare / Rareware Production_

_BANJO-THREEIE: The Final Chuckle_

_Featuring_

_CHEATO - "Blushing spellbook is!"_

_CAPTAIN BLACKEYE - "Be gone wit' ye!"_

_BLUBBER - "I want my jet ski back."_

_CAPTAIN UNGRY - "Take a picture, it'll last longer!"_

_BIG AL - "Would you like fries with that?"_

_HUMBA WUMBA - "Zzzzzz..."_

_JOLLY ROGER - "Who broke my barrels?"_

_MERRY MAGGIE - "Er... it was me, Roger."_

_CLANKER - "Murrrgh..."_

_LORD WOO FAK FAK - "Pay no attention to the upturned anglerfish!"_

_MINGELLA - (Unavailable for Comment)_

_BOGGY - "Say 'cheese', kids!"_

_GOGGY - "Cheeeese..."_

_MOGGY - "Haaaammm..."_

_SOGGY - "Mustaaaard..."_

_SNIDE - "Hey! I want to be credited as Vin Weasel!"_

_PAWNO - "Oh, and I suppose you did all your own stunts, too?"_

_LEAKY - "Hi."_

_TAJ - "You won first prize..."_

_BUMPER - "I'm Bumper!"_

_TIPTUP - "We know that, dimwit!"_

_POPSY - "I got a speaking part! Yay!"_

_KRINCH - "My name's Krinch!"_

_SQUINTY - "What a waste of credits..."_

_Also featuring the Crazy 888 Jinjos_

_MRS. BOTTLES - "I hope whatever my husband is doing is worth his dinner boiling over."_

_GOGGLES - "Where's daddy?"_

_SPECCY - "Someplace, fighting evil. Where else?"_

_LOGGO - "Ah... Where's a good plumber when you need him?"_

_GOBI - "Hey! I wasn't even in this game!"_

_BOTTLES - "Eh. It would have seemed forced."_

_CANARY MARY - "Unlike all the other appearances that came outta nowhere."_

_MUMBO - "Shaman detect sarcasm."_

_KLUNGO'S HEAD - "Cassst lissst iss ssstupid!"_

_KLUNTILDA - "I wouldn't talk..."_

_Special Appearance by the Barn Boys_

_Soundtrack Available Wherever Albums Are Sold_

_KAZOOIE - "Let's just see if this Platinum Jiggy thing works..."_


	29. Revival

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE: Revival.

The Breegull eased the Jiggy into the slot. "Come on..."

The platform they had made it to stood high above the murky clouds, which gave way to a timeless night sky. Everything was set and ready.

The key shifted into place, activating and unlocking several bolts. The vault opened, and a pile of bear plopped out.

"Phew!" said Mary. "If you told me that didn't stink, I'd call you a liar."

"Oh grow up," Kazooie insisted. "Now Mumbo, are you ready?"

The Shaman pulled out a collapsible spell pad and placed it on the floor. "Yes, but need 30 Glowbos."

"Whaaaaaat?" yelled the three.

"Only kidding." He gave a nervous laugh, curling his fingers around the empty space where his zapping stick would be. After clearing his throat, he began his enchantment: "Eekum-Bokum, Eekum-Bokum. Bring-im Back-um, Bring-im Back-um!"

A mild thunderclap was heard beyond the clouds. A stream of light wafted out of nowhere, making contact with what was left of the bear. The remains ignited with a soft glow, and patches of flesh and fur began to piece together into a recognizable whole.

"Oh my god, it's working!" Bottles realized.

Then, with a great flash, the enchantment had been completed.

"Banjo!" pleaded the Breegull. "Please, speak!" The four gathered closely to hear his first words.

"Guh-huh!"

Kazooie held the bear in a tight embrace.

"Wow," said Mary. "I wasn't quite expecting that response..."

"Mumbo feel warm and tingly inside." He joined in the hug.

"Aw, why not?" said Bottles, and became part of the group cuddle as well.

"Count me out," said the canary. "Oh, what am I saying?" she also added to the bonding session.

"Gosh!" said the confused bear. "I didn't know you guys liked me THAT much."

Bottles smiled. "Well, you have that sort of effect on people."

"Really?" said Banjo. "Because the last thing I remember is Kazooie here throwing burgers at me."

She gave a fidgety grin. "Heh, heh. 'Throwing' is such a negative word. I prefer to call it 'serving'."

"He got served, all right," said Mary.

They all laughed, not realizing what was rising out of the mist behind them.

"Oh, would ye look at th' reunion!" said the instantly recognizable voice.

The group turned around to see the mammoth ships hovering under the stars. The Rusty Bucket was much more smooth and polished than its namesake now, leading the way for the Salty Hippo and the Grumblina.

Mumbo fainted without hesitation.

"Where's the Shanty?" the Captain demanded to know.

A few seconds later it appeared, carrying a team of mummified Gruntlings.

Blackeye groaned. "I guess that's what ye get when ye have th' undead operate a ship."

The sea Grumblins on the other craft adjusted their turrets, waiting for the signal.

"Not yet, ye lousy runts," he warned. "So furry bear, how does it feel to be revived, only to die once more?"

Banjo shrugged. "It feels kind of ironic, actually."

"Bah!" He looked to the Fleet. "Men, you may fire when ready." Thus the vessels all warmed up their guns -- with one exception.

"Blubber!" said Captain Ungry. "What in the name of the Salty are you waitin' for?"

"I--I can't," said the hippo with a slight burp.

"Oh?" said Ungry. "Well I can!" He pushed him aside, pilling the weapon's crank.

Suddenly, and with great ferocity, the ships all fired at once, destroying the top of the fortress.


	30. Airborne

CHAPTER THIRTY: Airborne.

"Gotcha!" said Snide through a loud-speaker.

The Aqua Club levitated onto the scene just in time to catch the five falling off the crumbling monolith.

Kazooie's beak punched through the thin roof of the saucer as she fell. "Uph!"

The edges of the club spun with great force, keeping it in the air. The Breegull recognized it now: It was a design based on an alien spacecraft that had crashed into Jolly Roger Lagoon years earlier.

"You all right?" asked the weasel.

Mumbo's limp body began to slide off the tilting hovership, but Mary managed to grab his arm as he passed by. "I'm sure you'll thank me when you come to," she said.

"_Aha_!" said Blackeye. _Now_ I understand th' reason fer you stealin' my jet fuel!" He shook his fist into the direction of the problem. "Destroy them!"

The fleet started to prepare their weapons again, disappointed in the tedious delay before firing.

"Hold on to your butts!" said Snide as he took off, with the ships in high pursuit. An small entryway at the roof of the vehicle opened up. "Get in!"

The canary dropped the Shaman inside and hopped in after him.

"Good luck, and use only my best moves," said Bottles, jumping into the opening with the other two.

"I guess that leaves us," said Banjo.

"Yep, it does," said the bird, making her way inside the bear's snug backpack.

They took flight. Focusing their sights on the _Sandy Shanty_, Banjo and Kazooie quickly discussed their plan of attack. The two decided to beak-bomb the rudder, rendering it incapable of turning. The Breegull then fired an Ice Egg at one of the boosters, killing the propulsion on the left side of the vessel.

"RAAAH!" yelled the mummies as their ship spontaneously swiveled upside-down, flinging the Gruntlings into the abyss like fried rice off a pan.

The dark captain watched in horror as the _Shanty_ collided with the side of the fortress.

The rest of the aircraft had finally fired, missing the bear and bird by a mile but grazing the club as it dived into the clouds.

"Time to get more aggresive," insisted the Breegull, and they beak-stomped onto the deck of the _Grumblina_.

The crew stood firm but began to lose their nerve as the dynamic duo picked them off, one by one.

"Ahoy!" one of them yelled before being deftly smacked in the face by a wing.

"Kazooie! Not so dirty."

By then the deck had been completely cleared of enemies. Banjo took the wheel, steering into a collision course with Blackeye's ship.

"Turn, turn!" the angry captain insisted, but the vessel was too large and the incoming pojectile too fast to be avoided. The two met with a resounding crash, and one of the looming smokestacks came tumbling off.

Ungry couldn't believe what he was seeing. A pair of adventurers taking down two ships in a matter of minutes was unheard of. "Blubber!" he yelled. "Yer hesitance may prove to be our downfall! Tie him to the mast!"

Blackeye ducked under the rubble as his mates scrambled about the deck. "Yaaargh! Fire the Artillery Cannon!"

"But sir," said one of men, covered in dust, "we'll lose the ship if we do that!"

The captain peered up at the crumbling stack. "We've already los' th' ship!"

The mates began to surround the smokestack directly behind the one which had been damaged. Blackeye gave the word, and the crew pulled several toggles lining the cylinder. With a gust of steam, it began to pivet forward in the direction of the fleeing duo.

"Keep it steady," said one of the mates. The massive cannon carefully held its aim at the bear and bird. "Fire!"

A colossal spark of energy had launched from its barrel, dissapating all the mist in its path as it screamed toward Banjo and Kazooie.

The Breegull turned and saw it. "That looks familiar..."

"What do you mean?" asked the bear.

"That thing speeding toward us -- that's what _killed_ you!"

"Uh oh!" was all he could say.


	31. Faces of Badness

CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE: Faces of Badness.

Snide's vessel promptly flipped its way out of the clouds, hurdling into the path of the Spark Without a Cause. It then succeeded in deflecting the energy back to Blackeye and his Fleet. "Oh men? I think you dropped something!"

Ungry panicked. "Go go! Get us out the way!"

"But captain," said one of the hippos. "What about--"

"Just move!" he demanded, and his craft quickly dived out of the menacing spark's path. It snatched off the mast, freeing Blubber as it headed toward the immobilized _Rusty Bucket_.

The dark captain stood frozen in terror. His men seemed to slow to a crawl as they abandoned ship, ready and willing to dive off toward the ground rather than succumbing to the pain and anguish of their weapon's discharge. Blackeye fell to his knees. "NOOOOOOOOOOOO..."

Suddenly, his ship began to expand and exaggerate as a result of the spark's impact, and the captain's face stretched way out of proportion. "NYAAARRRGH!" He yelled as the dying vessel finally gave in to the stress and detonated, creating an ever-expanding orb of flames pushing outward to the night sky.

"Neat fireworks!" said Kazooie.

The ash spread out into nothing. "Did that happen to _me_?" asked Banjo.

"Well, kind of," someone uttered.

"But you still brought me back?" he asked, surprised.

"Yes, we all--" but the bird stopped. "Hey, who was that other voice?"

"That would be me," she said. A creature sitting on her broom appeared, leading an gargantuan army of moles on their own sticks. The group extended infinitely in all directions, or at least as far as the eye could see. "I thought I'd make it a fair fight this time," the witch spoke, still in shadow. "You always seem to beat me in a matter of minutes."

"That's because you always have a systematic weakness that we can exploit," explained Kazooie.

"Not now, you don't!" she said. "I mean, what are you gonna do, _kill_ me again?" She hovered out of the darkness and into the moonlight.

The duo gasped in horror.

Kluntilda Winkybunion's face had been grafted on with a metallic plate. Screws were driven into her skull, but the oozing skin still slipped out from under the mask. She had never looked more gross.

"Eww..." said the Breegull.

Klunty huffed. "Nothing but your scrawny lives will extinguish the pain of seeing my lover die!"

"_Lover_?" said the bird. "I thought you didn't like Blackeye anymore."

"WHAT? Of course I did! I was just playing hard-to-get!"

"Riiiiight..." said Banjo.

"Enough!" said the witch. "Moles! Finish them!"

They acknowledged, and formed separate waves split between the duo, the _Salty Hippo_, and the Aqua Club.

"Aw, crap!" said Snide, peering through his periscope at the barrage of enemies. The moles smashed against the hull of the club, threatening to destroy it. "Bottles!" yelled the weasel. "Ya gotta help me here -- we're in a party cruiser, not a warship!"

The friendly mole kneeled next to Mumbo, who still hadn't awaken. "What do you expect me to do?"

Snide turned to him. "Oh, I don't know -- how about _join in the_ _fight_? Is that too much to ask?" Another blast knocked him off his feet.

"But I can't--" He suddenly looked to Canary Mary.

"Hey, hey... What are you looking at me for?" But deep down, she knew.

Outside, Kazooie desperately tried to keep back the drones with eggs, but her ammunition ran low. "Damn! I knew I should've refilled after the race!"

Banjo did his best to kick them back. "We sure have the worst luck!"

Right when it seemed their fate was met, Kazooie spat out another grenade egg, keeping them away.

Elsewhere, the chief drone flew over to the _Hippo_. "Well," said Squinty, "Where do you think _you_ guys are going?"

Captain Ungry gulped, and ran to the back of the ship with his cowardly crew. Blubber stood firm, and more moles swooped over the vessel.

"Aren't you gonna run with them?" asked the evil mole.

"No, I'm not," said Blubber, letting off some gas to strengthen his resolve.

Squinty covered his nose. "Aw, god! That's a smell I'm _never_ gonna forget."

Ungry watched his sailor's actions from behind a divider. "Men," he whispered, "I think the hippo is on to something." He got up with his crew and marched to the front of the deck.

"Finally got some backbone, eh?" said the mole.

"Something like that," said Ungry. "Men, on my mark, get set--!" The crew then farted in unison at the moles.

"NO!" said Squinty. "Moles, get away! Get away!"

Far away, Kazooie saw the event unfolding with her Amaze-o-Gaze vision. "What the--?" She then turned to Klunty who was motionless, mouthing Squinty's words. "Hmm..."

"What are you doing?" yelled Banjo. "Keep shooting those eggs!"

"I'm all out," she said while diving into a tail spin to avoid the incoming force. "It won't be much longer 'till we're through and we see the alternate ending."

"Don't count on that," said the bear. "There isn't one -- just like in the last game." He braced himself for the onslaught.

But it didn't come.

"Whuh?"

A flapping shape surfaced from within the clouds, carrying an oblong object. "Seems like we came just in time!"

"Hey!" said the Breegull. "We were doing just fine, Mary!"

The canary carried Bottles from within his orange backpack. "Ooh!" said the mole. "Looks like you need some ammo."

Kazooie's BlueEgg meter filled to it's maximum capacity. "Thanks. I never did figure out how you could do that without ever having to touch me," she said.

"Now isn't the time for logistics discussions," said Mary. "Let's just tear these moles a new one!"

"Hey!" said Bottles, insulted.

"Er, I mean -- well, you know what I mean..."

So together, the birds, bear and mole swooped in to finish the job.


	32. The Final Chuckle

CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO: The Final Chuckle.

Klunty's melting jaw dropped in shock. "Hey!" she said. "That's not fair! This is Banjo-Threeie, not Bottles-Canary!"

"Just trying to even things up," said Mary. "Like you said."

By then, the mole squadron had formed a solid corkscrew of force, propelling toward the duel duos.

"Go!" said Kazooie. She and the bear dived downward, letting the group zip over them while Mary and Bottles soared above.

"What are you--?" said the witch.

Suddenly the two birds simultaneously fired grenade eggs at the battalion, cracking it into two waves of very disoriented moles.

Klunty's eyes widened as much as she could manage within the mask. "AUGH! My army!"

Some of them slipped out off their brooms, while others re-formed into a snake-like structure, now doubly increasing their speed toward the duos.

"Oh my...!" said Kazooie.

At that moment, the _Salty Hippo_ reared its way toward the moles. "Looks like the odds are evening, doesn't it?" said Ungry. "Men, fire when ready!"

"Heh," said Klunty. "Like I can't send in my army to shield me!"

"I'm not sure you'll be able to shield _this_," said Blubber, and they began the assault.

"Good god!" said the witch as she realized what they were doing. "Back, moles, back!"

But it was too late. The fart gas from the hippos promptly had the remaining drones in a daze, leaving them to wobble in the wind.

"What the--?" said one them. "What am I doing on a broom? High above the clouds? At this hour?"

"Huh?" said Banjo, confused. "What's happening to the moles?"

Kazooie quickly assessed the situation. "The stankyness had apparently cancelled out the power Kluntilda had over her drones, leaving her defenseless."

"Thought so," said the bear.

"I may be on my own," said the witch, "but I'm certainly not defenseless!" She quickly conjured up a spell and tossed it at the _Salty_.

Without so much as a whimper, the vessel began its slow, agonizing descent down into the mist. "Men!" said Ungry. "We're deceleratin'! Head to the engines!"

But something saved them -- or rather, some folks did. The moles gathered together underneath the ship, and began gently carrying it toward the ground far below.

Klunty groaned furiously. "I've had enough of this! You will all pay for what you've done, and _mean_ it this time!" She spread her arms out, creating large orbs in each hand. "Bye-bye, now!" The let them both go.

The spells hounded Banjo-Kazooie as well as Bottles and Mary. These were not the usual heat seeking type, that much was certain. They were smart-spells. The duel nearly slammed into each other to the avoid the attacks, but their plan worked: the spells harmlessly crashed together, fizzling out.

"Cripes!" said the witch. "You guys just don't give up, do you?" She created ten smaller spells, each from the tips of her fingers, and flung them.

It was hard to tell what was happening: The mini-spells left blinding-white streaks in their wake, obscuring the duos' vision. Finally, one of them struck.

"Mary!" yelled Banjo.

The canary took a hit, and was swooping around Klunty in lazy circles. "Hey!" spoke Bottles, still attached to her. "Straighten up!" She could no longer duck and weave, and took the brunt of the nine other spells.

"How did that feel?" said the witch. "Good? Then lets see how you like _this_!" She cracked her knuckles and prepared to make the spell of her life. Its eerie glow looked like a second sun, obscuring even the field of stars ahead.

"This looks like the end!" said Banjo.

"You would know," said Kazooie.

Klunty cackled with pure evil. "Game Over, chumps!"

"Not so fast!" said someone above them.

The duos looked up and saw three unexpected visitors: Blue Egg, Yellow Egg, and Purple Egg.

"Holy father of game secrets!" uttered Bottles.

The eggs rode in on their flying spellbooks, leading them to the battle. "Hey, Klunty! How's things?" spoke Blue.

She was quite busy minding her gigantic spell. "Fine, thanks."

"Ew," said Purple, scowling. "_That's_ Gruntilda? What happened to her?"

"Never mind that!" said the witch. "You should be worrying about what happens to _you_!" She then launched the spell upward.

The sphere of power careened toward the three, but the secret items didn't budge. From Banjo and Kazooie's viewpoint, it looked like a neutron star was rising toward the sky, unimpeded, unsympathetic, unstoppable.

Then it happened. The spell and the eggs collided, releasing gallon upon gallon of enchanted water. It all exploded outward in concentric circles that rapidly began to fall on Klunty.

"OH NO!!!" she said, realizing what she had done. The liquid spray made contact with her skin before she could avoid it, and the witch felt pain. "_I'M MELTING_!" she yowled, "_MEL-TIIING_!!! _Oh what a world_...!"

Mary looked away in disgust as the witch became a loose blob of flesh. The metal mask disconnected, all her jewelery and the rest of the solid things on her person slipped away. Finally, the mass formerly known as Gruntilda P. Winkybunion sloshed off the broom and fell into the clouds, gone.

Somewhere in the clouds, a soul made its final chuckle.

Kazooie peered though the resulting shower of droplets, paper, and eggshells. "They're... there all destroyed!" she said, amazed.

The survivors would continue to float there for the rest of the night.

------

_Up next, the Wrap-Up!_


	33. The Wrap Up

CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE: The Wrap-Up.

The sun shone brightly on the flowing fields of Spiral Mountain, meeting a warm breeze that crept along the land. The birds had all returned, a long time hidden from the dangers that had once ravaged the place. But there was no fear, no peril. The secret items had done well to remove the evils there, and both the spiral and the lair it led to were repaired. Far above this, where the large stone head of Grunty once stood, were the effigies of the lost STOP 'N SWOP crew members.

------

Jolly Roger Lagoon had undergone a change. It now had a shore extending far into the horizon, and aquatic life thrived in the enchanted waters that had been filled with the help of a weasel and a rat. The place had been retruned to the mighty center of commerce and tourist attraction it once was.

Jolly Roger himself, it seemed, was doing his best jig performance yet. "Hooray, hooray for the bird and bear, for doing the greatest deed! They fought and they fought -- they learned and they taught -- and the eggs came in times of need!"

Banjo, Kazooie, Mary, Mumbo, and the mole family cheered. They could still remember that awe-inspiring night, and now, exactly one year later, they would commemorate the destruction of the witch.

Jolly continued, "Ding, Dong, Kluntilda's dead!"

"Which old witch?" asked Mary.

The frog paused. "Didn't I already say it was Klunty?"

Nearby, someone was tugging on Bottles sleeve. "Tell us again how you did it?" asked Squinty, no longer brainwashed. "Please?"

Bottles sighed. "Oh, all right." He recounted the tale: everything that happened in the stadium, in the tavern, inside Clanker, at Hailfire Peaks, on DK Isles, at the race, in the fortress, and finally in the sky.

"Wow!" said the mole siblings. Speccy adjusted her lenses. "I wanna be on adventures when I grow up!" she said cheerfully.

"A person can't BE on adventures," Kazooie explained. "Adventures just _happen_." The foam at the rim of the ginger beer she was holding slopped onto her wing tip. "Geez, I'd better get to drinking this."

"Meh," said Goggles. "Those types of things aren't for me. I wanna start a internet search engine!"

Mrs. Bottles stared. "Come again?"

"I wanna have a website named after me," the mole explained.

Kazooie laughed. "But you have such a silly name!" She continued her drink.

Near the bar, Miss Maggie Malpass was having her way with a weakened Mumbo. "You're all mine!" she squealed.

"Where zapping stick when Mumbo need one?" he moaned.

"So, wait a minute," said Squinty. "What happened with the eggs and spellbooks?"

Bottles looked seriously disturbed. "Whatever's left of them is scattered throughout the Isle o' Hags -- maybe even farther. Banjo, Kazooie and I have only managed to get about one third of it all."

"That's right," Banjo added. "If we ever find enough of 'em, maybe they can come back."

"I would like that," said Squinty.

"I would like that too," said Bottles.

The team of hippos lining the bar raised their jugs. "To the STOP 'N SWOPPERS!" they declared.

Ungry wiped his mouth with the back of his sleeve. "Blubber ol' boy, you did a great job."

"Thank you, sir," said Blubber, holding the carbon dioxide in. "It was really nothing."

"Are you kidding?" said the captain. "Ye saved our lives!"

"Yeah whatever," said the sailor.

"In fact, I'm promoting you to second in command -- you are now our standing captain."

Blubber let off a sandstorm of gas. "Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you so much!"

"Not only that," he continued, "but as soon as the _Salty Hippoine_ is built, you'll have yer own _ship_."

"What's that smell?" asked Mary. "Did someone mess himself?" 

------

Outside, sitting on the edge of the water, two Jinjos were in the middle of a discussion. "So," one of them spoke, "Is the witch gone?" 

"Bah, who knows," said the other. "Three strikes, you're out, maybe?"

"Not sure about that," said the Jinjo. "But wait... who was that head on a stick over at the Village?"

"That's Klungo. Weren't you listening?"

"Oh, yeah. Sorry." He lifted a bucket full of fishing bait. "Need any more, Molly?"

"No thanks, but thanks," she said.

"You're welcome anyway," said Leaky.

Molly's line suddenly strained. "I think I got something!" She tugged with all her might, and a fish popped out through the surface.

"A goldfish?" said the other Jinjo. "What are the chances of that happening?"

"That's what I'd like to know," said Roysten. 

Far beyond the shores of the Lagoon, the deep, majestic underworld of the sea sits unmoving, quiet. The eerily still waters shift only for a massive anglerfish, one with a platinum Jiggy swinging over his head, vowing to persue his defeater.

But somewhere, infused with the nature of the ocean, a being of increasing power is manifesting herself... waiting...

**-THE END-**


End file.
